Urban Aspirations

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Urban Aspirations

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 15 May 2018, 11:16

If only for the sake of Tuesday,
I should go out for a walk
with my one trick knee,
laces undone for the edema.

I lay out my morning meds by color:
azure, oyster, salmon.

It is thirty seven light poles
to the fire station.
On clear days, they pull the engines
half out of their bays.

The meter man wear a safari hat
against the sun, tabulates
this month's abuse of power.
He thumbs-ups me and I nod.

I count my strength: two Oxycontin,
a Flexiril , half a Tramadol.

I turn back, overwhelmed by
logistics, but secure in the knowledge

It is twelve light poles
to the liquor store.

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: I think I may have it this time

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 15 May 2018, 23:25

K---


haunting.

knocks me down, again and again.

breathtaking imagery, so original:


If only for the sake of Tuesday,
I should go out for a walk
with my one trick knee,
laces undone for the edema.



great opening.


love this:

I lay out my morning meds by color:
azure, oyster, salmon,





It is thirty seven light poles
to the fire station.


The meter man wear a safari hat
against the sun, tabulates
this month's abuse of power.
He thumbs ups me and I nod.


great movement and very visual, and easiy for the reader to follow and yet unexpected and original..



strong, terrific close. very fine poem.


I count my strength: two Oxycontin,
a Flexiril , half a Tramadol.

I turn back, overwhelmed by
logistics, but secure in the knowledge

It is twelve light poles
to the liquor store.



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 910
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: I think I may have it this time

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 May 2018, 18:50

You nail it this time... the ending is excellent

Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: I think I may have it this time

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 May 2018, 20:55

Bernie, Bob thank you. I don't know about you guys, but I simply cannot write s poem without a workshop.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 910
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: I think I may have it this time

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 May 2018, 03:44

Sometimes it takes a village ...

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 890
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: I think I may have it this time

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 May 2018, 09:07

Kenneth

Enjoyed reading this poem. I wish you had left the original to make comparisons and learn. Now I must learn to store in word files.

S

Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: I think I may have it this time

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 May 2018, 03:13

Thank you. I see others revise in the original post. I've never tried it but will

Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Urban Aspirations

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 09 Aug 2018, 09:59

Revised

BobBradshaw
Posts: 910
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Urban Aspirations

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Aug 2018, 10:27

A remarkable piece, and a great close

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 890
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Urban Aspirations

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 09 Aug 2018, 10:49

And well analyzed.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 752
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Urban Aspirations

#11 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Aug 2018, 18:06

Thank u Bob and Siva

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