Trunk Call Monsoon Moments Removed for submission
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FranktheFrank
- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Trunk Call Monsoon Moments Removed for submission
Removed for submission
Re: Alone in an Hotel Room When the Telephone Rings
Frank---
jittery with creative fervor. existential anguish. this hotel parked just outside hell.
A warm wet wind washes the hotel forecourt,
condappana palms sway in Old Bombay;
(fantastic)
these visions...
...lithe dresses on a line.
...medals from an unmentionable age.
...Droplets splatter
the guests...
---My neighbour waves from across the hall,
---His Indian bride peeks in the background
---a young man sits; so close I can touch,
exotic smells and place names:
---Hertogenbosch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4fjZBzDPY4)
---redolent of Gulf cuisine.
the closing circle of dis paring passion...
I become a voyeur, watch
young women weave around
him dressed in silk splashed
saris arousing desire;
the monsoon tail slashes
at the window,
takes away my breath.
the narrator, stripped and purloined:
I write in my diary: Hiraeth, an inconsolable
heartache for home.
the poems aesthetic denouement:
Welshcakes by the fire, a mist lifting
off the crag, a fresh wind chasing down the valley
shaking the chimney pots. Crows rush past
like arrows from a bow. Winberries collected
from the west side of the hill,
exuberant and overshadowed by a vague feeling of dread and irredeemable loss. as though Hieronymus Bosch was a poet rather than a painter.
bernie
jittery with creative fervor. existential anguish. this hotel parked just outside hell.
A warm wet wind washes the hotel forecourt,
condappana palms sway in Old Bombay;
(fantastic)
these visions...
...lithe dresses on a line.
...medals from an unmentionable age.
...Droplets splatter
the guests...
---My neighbour waves from across the hall,
---His Indian bride peeks in the background
---a young man sits; so close I can touch,
exotic smells and place names:
---Hertogenbosch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4fjZBzDPY4)
---redolent of Gulf cuisine.
the closing circle of dis paring passion...
I become a voyeur, watch
young women weave around
him dressed in silk splashed
saris arousing desire;
the monsoon tail slashes
at the window,
takes away my breath.
the narrator, stripped and purloined:
I write in my diary: Hiraeth, an inconsolable
heartache for home.
the poems aesthetic denouement:
Welshcakes by the fire, a mist lifting
off the crag, a fresh wind chasing down the valley
shaking the chimney pots. Crows rush past
like arrows from a bow. Winberries collected
from the west side of the hill,
exuberant and overshadowed by a vague feeling of dread and irredeemable loss. as though Hieronymus Bosch was a poet rather than a painter.
bernie
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FranktheFrank
- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Alone in an Hotel Room When the Telephone Rings
Haha, you are generous to a fault Bernie, but I love it. This is an old one as you know and you were just as generous with the slightly more
prosaic version. I have added a diary ending as in your 2nd placing last month in the IBPC in your marvellous Japanese poem about WW2 and I feel it brings something to the poem i.e. a comparison of two cultures. I have not put this out for publication because I am hoping some
board will use it for the IBPC, this may seem egocentric of me, but the old version has had over 500 views, possibly because of your blessing
in your earlier critique. Loved the video on Holland, marvellous.
prosaic version. I have added a diary ending as in your 2nd placing last month in the IBPC in your marvellous Japanese poem about WW2 and I feel it brings something to the poem i.e. a comparison of two cultures. I have not put this out for publication because I am hoping some
board will use it for the IBPC, this may seem egocentric of me, but the old version has had over 500 views, possibly because of your blessing
in your earlier critique. Loved the video on Holland, marvellous.
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BobBradshaw
- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Alone in an Hotel Room When the Telephone Rings
The poem keeps getting better and better...
Love the details, such as:
Droplets splatter the
dwarapalaka, he dances round the puddles,
a jet faced shaker - fakir; Raj ribbons rattle
The poem can use some pruning...to increase the impact...
but a lovely poem is emerging
Love the details, such as:
Droplets splatter the
dwarapalaka, he dances round the puddles,
a jet faced shaker - fakir; Raj ribbons rattle
The poem can use some pruning...to increase the impact...
but a lovely poem is emerging
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FranktheFrank
- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: When the Telephone Rings
Thank you Bob great encouragement how to shorten, I shall try.
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Kenneth2816
- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Expatriate
Frank. I agree about compressing or pruning.