Piano Skills

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Piano Skills

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Jun 2018, 10:17

Piano Skills

Surrounded by girls at the mall
I’m clumsy, inarticulate,

afraid to speak
on my 16th birthday.

My knowledge of love
is like my piano skills,

and this is what I know of the piano:
I push the keys down

and like bars of Ivory soap
in bath water, let go

they pop up
again.

v2:
Piano Sonata #16

Surrounded by girls at the mall
I’m clumsy, inarticulate,

afraid to speak
on my 16th birthday.

Why can’t I communicate
as simply as Mozart

in his Piano Sonata #16,
a piece for beginners?

That is what I am.
My knowledge of love

is like my piano skills,
and this is what I know of the piano:

I push the keys down
and like bars of Ivory soap

in bath water, let go
they pop up
again.


v1:
Piano Sonata #16

Surrounded by girls at the mall
I’m clumsy, inarticulate,

on my 16th birthday
as afraid to speak

as I am of algebra.
Why can’t I communicate

as simply as Mozart
played his Piano Sonata #16,

a piece meant for beginners?
That is what I am, despite

my age. My knowledge of love
is like my skills at the piano,

and this is what I know of the piano:
I push the keys down

and like bars of soap in a bath
they pop up again.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 30 Jun 2018, 11:08

BobBradshaw wrote:Piano Sonata #16

Surrounded by girls at the mall
I’m clumsy, inarticulate,

on my 16th birthday
as afraid to sprak ( strike up conversations)

as I am of algebra.
Why can’t I communicate

as simply as Mozart
played his Piano Sonata #16,

a piece meant for beginners?
That is what I am, despite

my age. My knowledge of love
is like my piano skills,

And this what I know of the piano:
I push the keys down

and like bars of soap in a bath
they pop up again.
Incomplex genius in this with simple language, straight forward musing of the narrator, encapsulated in a musical motif. Sixteen is that age of fantasy when boys brag to other boys about non existent conquests.

The soap bars are perfrct. A boy can do,well, a lot of things alone in the tub,
thoughts of mall girls and such.

I propose a bit of tightening. See edits.

Great Great work. My 2nd nom this month

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Jun 2018, 23:47

Thx, Kenneth... very generous review...Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Jul 2018, 15:14

Bob, do bars of soap popup in a bath, I know piano key do,
my soap slips away deep in secret places.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Jul 2018, 20:22

I haven't taken a bath in decades, but I remember as a kid they did

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Jul 2018, 20:35

Ah, here's the reason....we always used Ivory soap as a kid...here's a link that explains why Ivory soap floats;

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/ivory-soap ... -floating/

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Jul 2018, 21:23

Ahh, I see special soap
I think you have to mention the name then.

I use coal tar soap, kills bugs and parasites
but not nasty poets.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Jul 2018, 22:03

Ah, nasty poets are hard to kill...

Ivory soap has always been extremely popular here... not really a special soap... let’s see what others say

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#9 Post by Bernie01 » 04 Jul 2018, 06:20

Bob---


locating the poem...


Surrounded by girls,
I’m clumsy, inarticulate,

afraid to speak
on my 16th birthday

as simply as Mozart
in his Piano Sonata #16,

a piece for beginners,
That is what I am.

my knowledge of love
is like my piano skills.

I push the keys down
without applause.



just another take.



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Jul 2018, 10:25

Thanks, Frank, Bernie....I have absorbed some of your suggestions....best, Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Jul 2018, 20:37

Let me know if this works... thx, Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Piano Sonata #16

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Aug 2018, 08:30

I have simplified this..,

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Piano Skills

#13 Post by Kenneth2816 » 15 Aug 2018, 09:16

Either is fine. Good poem

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”