Het Gele Huis

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Het Gele Huis

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 Jan 2019, 20:38

The Yellow House

My dream house begins
with a token fence
made from tempered bronze
that protects a box hedge
of yellow privet.

It sits under a permanent blue sky
with white cirrus clouds
that remind one of pillow-cased
foam on the azure of the Aegean Sea.

At the sunny front are doors
that lead to two shops
a hairdresser and a pet's shampoo parlour
they pay the rent and mortgage too.

Above the shops is a balcony
curved like a turreted bay.
I count my customers in and watch
them sparkle out as new people
with pampered, pomaded pets.

And if the tax man should call I'll greet
him from the side entrance and entertain
with a dainty Engelse Thee, creamed
scones and jam which I hope will satisfy
him and isn't too much to pay for me.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1386
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Het Gele Huis

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Jan 2019, 23:34

Some good descriptions....a gentle piece...for some reason rit eminds me of the Beatles' song "Penny Lane"....but I was hoping for more of a punch line at the end...my only crit....others may not feel that way....otherwise enjoyable...happy new year, Frank....it's a pleasure to know you

meenas17
Posts: 685
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Het Gele Huis

#3 Post by meenas17 » 04 Jan 2019, 18:17

"My dream house"

Well, the opening line sets off the mark.
Everyone nurtures this dream.
Then comes the revenue part. Still more dynamic.
Finally the taxman is offered a English tea which does not seem expensive.

A nice poem.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 300
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Het Gele Huis

#4 Post by capricorn » 07 Jan 2019, 01:58

We all have our dreams, Frank. This is a lovely, dreamy poem.

It sits under a permanent blue sky

Perhaps a more precise shade of blue here

with white cirrus clouds
that remind one of pillowcased
foam on the azure of the Aegean Sea.

Lovely descriptions here

At the sunny front are doors
that lead to two shops
a hairdresser and a pet's shampoo parlour
they pay the rent on time and mortgage too.

This stanza made me smile - I wondered why a hairdresser and pet's shampoo parlour?

And when the tax man calls
I meet him at the side entrance
and entertain with an English tea
which isn't too much to pay for me.

A lovely last stanza, but like Bob I wanted something a bit stronger. Great poem though.

Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Het Gele Huis

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 07 Jan 2019, 04:40

Thanks Bob, Meena and Eire, valid comments all,
maybe it should be a ladies' hairdresser and t'other
a pets' shampoo parlour.

Edit 2 -refined with a small amount of word play.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1386
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Het Gele Huis - edit 2

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Jan 2019, 22:16

I like the descriptions, especially this one...the opening stanza works well, an improvement over what I remember..but my memory is seldom a reliable witness

Above the shops is a balcony
curved like a turreted bay.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Het Gele Huis - edit 2

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Jan 2019, 12:08

Thanks Bob.

IndianaDP
Posts: 163
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Het Gele Huis - edit 2

#8 Post by IndianaDP » 15 Jan 2019, 23:48

I get a bit confused towards the end, does the narrator see himself as the landlord for the shop owners? If so, when he says ‘my customers’ they are his because they enable the shop keepers to pay rent?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Het Gele Huis - edit 2

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jan 2019, 20:06

Thanks Dale, have edited, should now be clear.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1386
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Het Gele Huis - Edit 3 - 17 Jan 2019

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Jan 2019, 21:18

This is better

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Het Gele Huis - Edit 3 - 17 Jan 2019

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Jan 2019, 17:25

Thanks Bob
I have altered again and hope it sets the gender of N
and what she's about.

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