Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
Just found a recent revision in tercets - hope the longer lines flow better.
Trysting with Morpheus
Fancy a glass of Prosecco?
Both snug on the sofa, I chuckle
at his banter until the clock’s chime
suggests we whisper - goodnight.
He fingers my ring –
bold lips brush mine;
a lingering feather-touch,
leaving me gasping
as we sway in the doorway,
wide eyes scribbling messages.
Warm breath tickles my neck;
smothered in sinfulness
I crave more, then
jolt awake,
my heart drumming
to the warblers' early serenade.
--------------------------------------------
Morpheus' Tryst
Fancy a glass of Prosecco?
Both snug on the sofa
I chuckle at his banter
until the clock's chimes
suggest we whisper
goodnight.
He fingers my ring -
yet bold lips brush mine;
a lingering feather-touch,
tantalizingly tender
leaving me gasping
as we sway in the doorway,
wide eyes scribbling messages;
titillations.
Warm breath tickles my neck;
smothered in sinfulness
I crave more,
then jolt awake,
my heart drumming
to warblers' early serenade.
My man sleeps -
I turn back to doze
daring
to dream again.
Trysting with Morpheus
Fancy a glass of Prosecco?
Both snug on the sofa, I chuckle
at his banter until the clock’s chime
suggests we whisper - goodnight.
He fingers my ring –
bold lips brush mine;
a lingering feather-touch,
leaving me gasping
as we sway in the doorway,
wide eyes scribbling messages.
Warm breath tickles my neck;
smothered in sinfulness
I crave more, then
jolt awake,
my heart drumming
to the warblers' early serenade.
--------------------------------------------
Morpheus' Tryst
Fancy a glass of Prosecco?
Both snug on the sofa
I chuckle at his banter
until the clock's chimes
suggest we whisper
goodnight.
He fingers my ring -
yet bold lips brush mine;
a lingering feather-touch,
tantalizingly tender
leaving me gasping
as we sway in the doorway,
wide eyes scribbling messages;
titillations.
Warm breath tickles my neck;
smothered in sinfulness
I crave more,
then jolt awake,
my heart drumming
to warblers' early serenade.
My man sleeps -
I turn back to doze
daring
to dream again.
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Re: Morpheus' Tryst
eroticus interruptus
consider "Trysting with Morpheus" as title
you might find this interesting:
https://artsbma.org/collection/somnus-2/
Michael (MV)
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Morpheus' Tryst
This is close... there’s plenty to like, you paint a good scene. The tantalizingly tender and titillations lines aren’t needed.
I like the warbler image, and might end the poem there. The last stanza is flat. Maybe you could either merge it with the previous stanza, but close on the warbler image or somehow make the scene clearer in the title and elimate the final stanza.
Again you’re close... just a fussing with mechanics should lead this poem home. When done it will be a fine piece.
I like the warbler image, and might end the poem there. The last stanza is flat. Maybe you could either merge it with the previous stanza, but close on the warbler image or somehow make the scene clearer in the title and elimate the final stanza.
Again you’re close... just a fussing with mechanics should lead this poem home. When done it will be a fine piece.
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- Posts: 1988
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Morpheus' Tryst
The only thing that bothers me is your habit of leaving
out the article before the noun,
It can work, but in this case hinders the poem.
What is wrong with: my heart drumming to a warbler's call.
rather than: my heart drumming to warbler's call.
I agree the last stanza could be dropped, we already know
its a dream, when you tell us N jolts awake.
I like the originality and the daring, quite erotic for you.
best wishes
ieuan
out the article before the noun,
It can work, but in this case hinders the poem.
What is wrong with: my heart drumming to a warbler's call.
rather than: my heart drumming to warbler's call.
I agree the last stanza could be dropped, we already know
its a dream, when you tell us N jolts awake.
I like the originality and the daring, quite erotic for you.
best wishes
ieuan
Re: Morpheus' Tryst
Michael (MV) wrote: ↑07 Mar 2019, 06:19
eroticus interruptus
consider "Trysting with Morpheus" as title
you might find this interesting:
https://artsbma.org/collection/somnus-2/
Michael (MV)
Have changed to Trysting with Morpheus - thanks Michael.
Very interesting link too.
Eira
Re: Morpheus' Tryst
Thanks Bob,BobBradshaw wrote: ↑08 Mar 2019, 04:48This is close... there’s plenty to like, you paint a good scene. The tantalizingly tender and titillations lines aren’t needed.
I like the warbler image, and might end the poem there. The last stanza is flat. Maybe you could either merge it with the previous stanza, but close on the warbler image or somehow make the scene clearer in the title and elimate the final stanza.
Again you’re close... just a fussing with mechanics should lead this poem home. When done it will be a fine piece.
Yes, the warblers image would be a stronger ending.
I found a later revision of this in tercets (same words) - the longer lines might be better (not sure)
Eira
Re: Morpheus' Tryst
FranktheFrank wrote: ↑09 Mar 2019, 02:12The only thing that bothers me is your habit of leaving
out the article before the noun,
It can work, but in this case hinders the poem.
What is wrong with: my heart drumming to a warbler's call.
rather than: my heart drumming to warbler's call.
I agree the last stanza could be dropped, we already know
its a dream, when you tell us N jolts awake.
I like the originality and the daring, quite erotic for you.
best wishes
ieuan
Thanks for the input Ieuan,
Last stanza deleted from revision and article included.
Yes quite erotic for me - I do have my moments
Eira
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- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
I am shocked!
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Re: Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
I really like the conxept
Re: Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
Thanks Ken
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- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
Good one... the revision makes it better
Re: Trysting with Morpheus (rev 1)
Thanks for your help Bob
Eira