untitled senryu

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capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

untitled senryu

#1 Post by capricorn » 17 May 2019, 16:10

the test-tube baby
brings a mother untold joy;
father's unaware

meenas17
Posts: 639
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: untitled senryu

#2 Post by meenas17 » 17 May 2019, 16:16

Classic! Eira.
meenas17

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 971
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: untitled senryu

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 May 2019, 18:03

Love this!

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: untitled senryu

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 May 2019, 18:31

Very nice
should it be:
Father unaware.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1279
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: untitled senryu

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 May 2019, 20:03

Nice

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: untitled senryu

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 18 May 2019, 12:44

 
Hi Eira,

 
a 3-line micro-form; that 3rd line crowds the senryu - and, too, there is that abstraction "joy"


if filtering for a senryu, consider starting along these lines:

a mother's
boundless joy
from a test tube

^^ still there a need - in both the 3-line micro-poem & senryu - to show the abstraction "joy," instead of telling.


So let's look at this incarnation:

a single mother's
afterglow
from a test tube

^^ and inferred is "father's unaware"


on the peripheral: Until I read your poem, I never noticed before the potential for linguistic pun on "test" & "tube":

a single mother's
afterglow
from test & tube


test & tube, the clinical analogy to leather & lace   :)


In workshopping, I have now found this one   (Thanks)

a single mother's
basking in the son-light
from a testtube

^^ btw, possibly a senryu-poem; however, the MV play on "son(sun)" probably makes this more a micro-poem


8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
  
 
  
 
  
 
 

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: untitled senryu

#7 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 01:46

meenas17 wrote:
17 May 2019, 16:16
Classic! Eira.
Thank you Meena

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: untitled senryu

#8 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 01:46

SivaRamanathan wrote:
17 May 2019, 18:03
Love this!
Thank you Siva

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: untitled senryu

#9 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 01:48

FranktheFrank wrote:
17 May 2019, 18:31
Very nice
should it be:
Father unaware.
Not sure, Frank - possibly Father is unaware

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: untitled senryu

#10 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 01:48

BobBradshaw wrote:
17 May 2019, 20:03
Nice
Thanks Bob

capricorn
Posts: 285
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: untitled senryu

#11 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 02:07

Michael (MV) wrote:
18 May 2019, 12:44
 
Hi Eira,

Wow Michael, you have given me so much to think on here (which I like!) I have always has a fascination for haiku/senryu but never do very well at writing.

 
a 3-line micro-form; that 3rd line crowds the senryu - and, too, there is that abstraction "joy"


if filtering for a senryu, consider starting along these lines:

a mother's
boundless joy
from a test tube

Yes, I see the difference

^^ still there a need - in both the 3-line micro-poem & senryu - to show the abstraction "joy," instead of telling.


So let's look at this incarnation:

a single mother's
afterglow
from a test tube

afterglow is a wonderful alternative

^^ and inferred is "father's unaware" true


on the peripheral: Until I read your poem, I never noticed before the potential for linguistic pun on "test" & "tube":

a single mother's
afterglow
from test & tube


test & tube, the clinical analogy to leather & lace   :)

I'm not too sure I see the connection between leather & lace - I'll think on that a bit more

In workshopping, I have now found this one   (Thanks)

a single mother's
basking in the son-light
from a testtube

^^ btw, possibly a senryu-poem; however, the MV play on "son(sun)" probably makes this more a micro-poem

I think this might be nearest to my train of thought. Yes, I don't think it was ever a true senryu.

Thank you for your thoughts on this, Michael.

Eira

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
  
 
  
 
  
 
 

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