My Mother's Flashbacks

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capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

My Mother's Flashbacks

#1 Post by capricorn » 21 May 2019, 02:26

Flashbacks

I saw your father last night

Two years have passed
since his demise shook me,
waves radiating from my epicentre.

In the aftershock, I whispered to her
of his slipping away, but she was lost
in a mass of tangles.

Aw - he looked so handsome

He wore a flat cap in winter
to warm his shiny pate.
Now, it rests at the back

of my reminiscence drawer
with her dragonfly brooch
and snapshots of their life.

Their wedding photo, eyes smile, lips
say Cheese. His dark waves intact, yes,
he was handsome, her unending heartthrob.

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured, a tug of war
stretched me until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.

He embraced a new wife for twelve years.
Even if his life had extended, he could not
- would not return to her empty arms.

He gave me a beautiful brooch

Her smile was wide -
unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1488
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 21 May 2019, 10:42

Well Writer Block is on a roll this month
some marvellous poems from all members.
This has lots of ambition
to winkle out every nuance of meaning
and feeling in this tale of infidelity
and the pain to those closest.

No nits, although I wonder if you really need 'shook me' in L2

I Like the implied conversation between the stanzas.

meenas17
Posts: 575
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#3 Post by meenas17 » 21 May 2019, 17:53

The poem is an echo of the hurt.
The one liners enhance the pathos.
The love, for the man who divorced her and married another, is well portrayed.
I did feel the hurt and suffering your mom had.
Emotional!
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1194
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 May 2019, 20:25

Gorgeous writing....everything works ....great last 2 lines

unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 22 May 2019, 04:08

empathy in the flashback

the italicized infrastructure is seamless and emotionally fracturing

like a split (divorced) screen

technique effectively in service to the familia trauma



8)

Michael (MV)

Kenneth2816
Posts: 953
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 23 May 2019, 11:12

This is a poem whose power is muted, yet evident through the use of good poetics. I have one nit

Two years have passed
since his demise shook me,
waves radiating from my epicentre.

In the aftershock,

I think this earthquakes analogy doesn't fit with the balance of the poem and is stale by comparison.

The poem is gentle and the above kind of clashes.
Just my opinion

capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#7 Post by capricorn » 28 May 2019, 02:39

FranktheFrank wrote:
21 May 2019, 10:42
Well Writer Block is on a roll this month
some marvellous poems from all members.
This has lots of ambition
to winkle out every nuance of meaning
and feeling in this tale of infidelity
and the pain to those closest.

No nits, although I wonder if you really need 'shook me' in L2

I Like the implied conversation between the stanzas.
Thanks Frank. I wrote this some time ago when my mother had Alzheimer's. I thought I'd give it a tidy up. I could well do without 'shook me' - will think on that.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#8 Post by capricorn » 28 May 2019, 02:41

meenas17 wrote:
21 May 2019, 17:53
The poem is an echo of the hurt.
The one liners enhance the pathos.
The love, for the man who divorced her and married another, is well portrayed.
I did feel the hurt and suffering your mom had.
Emotional!
Thanks Meena - I'm glad this worked for you.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#9 Post by capricorn » 28 May 2019, 02:42

BobBradshaw wrote:
21 May 2019, 20:25
Gorgeous writing....everything works ....great last 2 lines

unaware the broken butterfly would
not settle on her breast again.
Thanks Bob - your opinion means a lot to me.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#10 Post by capricorn » 28 May 2019, 02:43

Michael (MV) wrote:
22 May 2019, 04:08
empathy in the flashback

the italicized infrastructure is seamless and emotionally fracturing

like a split (divorced) screen

technique effectively in service to the familia trauma



8)

Michael (MV)
Thanks Michael,

I'm glad the italicized words work for you.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#11 Post by capricorn » 28 May 2019, 02:45

Kenneth2816 wrote:
23 May 2019, 11:12
This is a poem whose power is muted, yet evident through the use of good poetics. I have one nit

Two years have passed
since his demise shook me,
waves radiating from my epicentre.

In the aftershock,

I think this earthquakes analogy doesn't fit with the balance of the poem and is stale by comparison.

The poem is gentle and the above kind of clashes.
Just my opinion
Thanks for your honest opinion, Ken - I'll give that area some thought.

Eira

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#12 Post by Michael (MV) » 02 Jun 2019, 21:48

Hi Eira,

a devastating & disruptive experience; the figure of the quake Is effective.


Subtly referred back to with the image "waves":

" . . His dark waves were intact
- yes, he was handsome."

^^ unconditionsl workshop-share as:

. . His dark waves intact - yes, he was
her unending handsome heartthrob.

or

. . His dark waves intact - yes, he was
handsome - her unending heartthrob.

^^ ultimately, it's the vibes from "heartthrob"
that I'm suggesting


😎

Michael (MV)

capricorn
Posts: 251
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#13 Post by capricorn » 03 Jun 2019, 03:07

Thanks Michael - that's a big help.

Eira

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1515
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: My Mother's Flashbacks

#14 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Jun 2019, 04:13

"waves of regret / waves of joy"

^^ lyric from Bono w/ U2 (1991)

😎

Michael (MV)

capricorn wrote:
03 Jun 2019, 03:07
Thanks Michael - that's a big help.

Eira

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