Removed
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Removed
Removed
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Incremental
There are some nice details in this. A good trimming would help the impact. For example, S3 isn't needed. I would like more focus on the narrator and Em...that is where the emotional heart of this poem is be. The opening stanza is good...I would insert "it's" in the line... "as if it's our last day together".
We speed around the inland sea heading
for Lauwersoog, Em clings to me
as if our last day together.
I like the humorous touch with Confucius.
Em tucks into her ice cream smiling, hoping,
hinting for a conversation indicated by
a cock of her head. She soaks up my every
word as if from Confucius himself.
We speed around the inland sea heading
for Lauwersoog, Em clings to me
as if our last day together.
I like the humorous touch with Confucius.
Em tucks into her ice cream smiling, hoping,
hinting for a conversation indicated by
a cock of her head. She soaks up my every
word as if from Confucius himself.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: It's not just about 1.5 Degrees [forerly Incremental]
Thanks Bob
updated revision.
updated revision.
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: It's not just about one and a Half Degrees Celsius [formerly Incremental]
Much more focused...and a stronger poem. The revision has really helped.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: It's not just about one and a Half Degrees Celsius [formerly Incremental]
Thanks Bob, your note helped.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Lauwersmeer V3
Version Three on the Title.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Lauwersmeer V3
I've tweaked this a little too
can't believe 670 have read this already.
can't believe 670 have read this already.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Lauwersmeer V4
v4
It's amazing that over 1300 reads in one month.
It's amazing that over 1300 reads in one month.
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- Posts: 1986
- Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
- Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Re: Two Thousand and Fifty [V5 13 June]
Changed the title, more apt I think.
Reads up to 1743, amazing.
Reads up to 1743, amazing.