Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Oct 2019, 20:34

V5:

Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

I.

Emily, isn't my love as obvious
as an open field? So I ask again, Why delay

getting married? I fear if we wait
I will lose you.

Coming over today, I saw wild mares
in the hills, moving in unison,

turning their shy faces away from me.
They reminded me of you.

Emily, I long to tame one
--to throw my arms

around her neck in a long embrace.
Yet I fear her hesitation

if my forehead touches hers,
her hooves stamping nervously

in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose

as she would a burr
from her wild mane.

II.

I apologize for my first proposal—
impulsively showing up

in your house, the womenfolk as alarmed
by my arrival as birds

in trees by lightning.
Your sister Vinnie flew

from room to room trying to find you.
I half expected the floor

to be strewn with feathers
by the time you appeared

on the stairs—shaken,
your dress agitated,

as if an unsettling gust
had burst through an open window.

“I’ve come to take you
with me, Emily. It’s time

you wore a wedding ring.
Family iIlnesses have come between us

for too long. Happiness,
like a bride’s tossed bouquet,

must be seized. If we miss
our chance, it may not come again.”

Was it your mother upstairs,
sick, that held you back?

Indecisive, you swayed,
as if about to faint.

"I won’t take No for an answer.”
“No,” you finally said, tearing up

—your voice distraught
like a tethered bird’s


V4:
note: I would like to thank Judy for her great help on this....I think her version works better...what do you think?

Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

Today I saw wild mares in the hills
moving in unison,

turning their faces away in shyness
when they saw me

They reminded me of you;

I long to tame one
--to throw my arms

around her neck in a long embrace,
yet I fear her hesitation

if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously

in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose

as she would a burr
from her wild mane

V3:

Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
 

 Emily, isn't my love as obvious
 as an open field?  Why delay

 getting married?   My heart is big
 like my house, waiting for you.

 Today, coming over, I saw
 wild mares in the hills
 
 moving in unison, pausing,
 changing directions rapidly

turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
 
 Emily, I long to tame one
 --to throw my arms

 around her neck in a long embrace.
 Yet I fear her hesitation

 if my forehead touches hers,
 her hooves stamping nervously

 in place, at any moment
 about to shake me loose

 as she would a burr
 from her wild
 mane


V2:

Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
 

 Emily, isn't my love as obvious
 as an open field?  There is no reason

 to postpone.   My heart is big
 like my house, waiting for you

 --servants at your beckoning.
 You are naturally timid,

 but why delay?
 It can be a small wedding,

 if that is what you want, dearest.
 I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.

 Today, coming over, I saw
 wild mares in the hills
 
 moving in unison, pausing,
 changing directions rapidly

turning their faces away
at a mere glance.
 
 Emily, I long to tame one
 --to throw my arms

 around her neck in a long embrace.
 Yet I fear her hesitation

 if my forehead touches hers,
 her hooves stamping nervously

 in place, at any moment
 about to shake me loose

 as she would a burr
 from her wild
 mane

V1:
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
 

 Emily, isn't my love as obvious
 as an open field?  There is no reason

 to postpone.   My heart is big
 like my house, waiting for you

 --servants at your beckoning.
 You are naturally timid,

 shy as a filly.  But why delay?
 It can be a small wedding,

 if that is what you want, dearest.
 I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.

 Today, coming over, I saw
 wild mares in the hills
 
 moving in unison, pausing,
 changing directions rapidly.
 
 Their big eyes flashed like women
 with a sixth sense about the dangers of men,

 turning their faces away
 at a mere glance.

 Emily, I long to tame one
 --to throw my arms

 around her neck in a long embrace.
 Yet I fear her hesitation

 if my forehead touches hers,
 her feet stamping nervously

 in place, at any moment
 about to shake me loose

 as she would a burr
 from her wild
 mane

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 11 Oct 2019, 04:10

BobBradshaw wrote:
10 Oct 2019, 20:34
Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
 

 Emily, isn't my love as obvious
 as an open field?  There is no reason

 to postpone.   My heart is big
 like my house, waiting for you

 --servants at your beckoning.
 You are naturally timid,

 shy as a filly.  But why delay?
 It can be a small wedding,

 if that is what you want, dearest.
 I'm afraid if we wait I'll lose you.

 Today, coming over, I saw
 wild mares in the hills
 
 moving in unison, pausing,
 changing directions rapidly.
 
 (Their big eyes flashed like women
 with a sixth sense about the dangers of men)

I think this the weakest part of the poem. Show don't tell.


 turning their faces away
 at a mere glance.

 Emily, I long to tame one
 --to throw my arms

 around her neck in a long embrace.
 Yet I fear her hesitation

 if my forehead touches hers,
 her (feet) * hooves* stamping nervously

 in place, at any moment
 about to shake me loose

 as she would a burr
 from her wild
 mane

I think this a strong poem, but the equine reference may be too extended in places

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Oct 2019, 07:20

Thx for your suggestions m, Ken. I like them, and will incorporate them. bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Oct 2019, 21:02

I have shortened this poem...let me know if it works better

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#5 Post by meenas17 » 14 Oct 2019, 17:50

Which one to choose? I really do not know.
Is it the long one or short that I like, I think
Finally end up loving both.
meenas17

judyt547
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Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#6 Post by judyt547 » 15 Oct 2019, 06:54

Okay, here goes: I love the idea of proposing to Emily. But I agree, I think you have too much horse talk in there. Maybe collapse it a bit. Let the reader make the connections without spelling it all out.

I'd start here:

Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

Today I saw wild mares in the hills
moving in unison,

turning their faces away in shyness
when they saw me

They reminded me of you;

I long to tame one
--to throw my arms

around her neck in a long embrace,
yet I fear her hesitation

if my forehead touches hers,
her feet stamping nervously

in place, at any moment
about to shake me loose

as she would a burr
from her wild mane

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Oct 2019, 09:16

Judy, I like what you have proposed...condensing the imagery....I can see now that the opening 4 lines aren't needed....and the moving, changing directions, etc. is too much. It's good to see one's poem through different eyes....I'm sure I will go with your revisions...I just want them to marinate for a day or two....Thank you. I owe you.

judyt547
Posts: 106
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#8 Post by judyt547 » 15 Oct 2019, 18:25

(Fainting dead away in relief)

The general rule of thumb, as always: take what you like, discard the rest. And sometimes your ideas and my ideas turn into something better than either. Red and blue make purple. =) Yes, let it sit for a day or two; it's still your words, just rearranged a tad. And after all, the title suggests the entire poem, doesn't it.

And thank YOU for 'getting it.".

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1573
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#9 Post by Michael (MV) » 19 Oct 2019, 10:48

 
Hi Bob,

in accord w/ Judy's workshopping.


Now consider:

"They reminded me of you;"

as

Emily, you spontaneously came to mind

^^ reducing the pronouns & addressing w/ name of the subject


or should I say object of desire

8)

Michael

 
 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Oct 2019, 20:34

Thanks, Michael....like the comment. I am throwing in a much revised, longer version for consideration...let me know

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Oct 2019, 05:30

I keep reworking this poem....any thoughts are welcomed.

judyt547
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Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised

#12 Post by judyt547 » 21 Oct 2019, 16:50

It might be time to put it away for a few days, let it marinate, and then come back to it.
Too easy to overwork it, and lose what you have in the process.

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Billy
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Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised

#13 Post by Billy » 22 Oct 2019, 00:37

I think you’ve overworked this one. Just me probably, but I’m just not in to the whole horse image and Emily.

Maybe you know something about Emily's life I don't, so maybe the horse stuff works. You're the expert at these kinds of poems.

FranktheFrank
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised

#14 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Oct 2019, 22:55

Wasn't Emily a closet lesbian?
Or had inclinations that way.

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