Someone's Hallelujah (revised(
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Someone's Hallelujah (revised(
When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin
mouth with the back of one hand.
"I would never bring a child
Into this world " she says.
Someone's hallelujah struggles
to rise, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.
From the upper rooms,
comes a murmur,
the unquiet tongues
of the saved.
Someone Else's Hallelujah
When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin lips
with the back of one hand.
" I would never bring a child
Into this world, " she says.
Someone else's hallelujah struggles
to rise,, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.
Its cerulean ribbon twitches
like a tow-rope from Heaven.
on her back, wipes her thin
mouth with the back of one hand.
"I would never bring a child
Into this world " she says.
Someone's hallelujah struggles
to rise, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.
From the upper rooms,
comes a murmur,
the unquiet tongues
of the saved.
Someone Else's Hallelujah
When sated, my lover flops
on her back, wipes her thin lips
with the back of one hand.
" I would never bring a child
Into this world, " she says.
Someone else's hallelujah struggles
to rise,, bumps and rustles
like a foil balloon caught
in the updraft of a ceiling fan.
Its cerulean ribbon twitches
like a tow-rope from Heaven.
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Someone's Hallelujah
Beautiful....your deft touch is at play again in this poem.
Re: Someone's Hallelujah
I like the last two stanzas, the first two don't really seem to belong
to the rest. The word "gratuitous" rears its ugly head...
Maybe no comma after "rooms".
I love the image of "someone's hallelujah struggles to rise",
that could be a dynamite first line. =)
to the rest. The word "gratuitous" rears its ugly head...
Maybe no comma after "rooms".
I love the image of "someone's hallelujah struggles to rise",
that could be a dynamite first line. =)
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Someone's Hallelujah
I u understand that. I may rework it ty.
Re: Someone's Hallelujah
I was thinking this is about abortion, but what do I know. Then the first 2 stanzas make sense to me.
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Someone's Hallelujah
That's a good interpretation. It's really more about a,fatalistic world view
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(
My final revision above. Thanks to Judy for z redirecting. If rather have a solid critic than praise.
The poem says exactly what I want it to say. That's my primary goal. If it's no good, I told my truth at least.
The poem says exactly what I want it to say. That's my primary goal. If it's no good, I told my truth at least.
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(
I like the tow rope image....I would stick "Somewhere" before "someone else's...."....
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Someone's Hallelujah (revised(
Just redid the whole thing Thanks