I Could Only Write This Today
I Could Only Write This Today
I Could Only Write This Today
I lie down
next to my father
we're looking up into the sky
a few drifting clouds
and the blue of forgetfulness.
I feel him thinking
like when I was a kid.
He'd be planning some new venture,
the one to make us rich.
Different this time in a way I'd never felt.
He's grey. He doesn't get up,
as if he's looking beyond
the thin veil of what can be in morning light.
I get up and move on. He's a part, now,
of something bigger than himself.
I lie down
next to my father
we're looking up into the sky
a few drifting clouds
and the blue of forgetfulness.
I feel him thinking
like when I was a kid.
He'd be planning some new venture,
the one to make us rich.
Different this time in a way I'd never felt.
He's grey. He doesn't get up,
as if he's looking beyond
the thin veil of what can be in morning light.
I get up and move on. He's a part, now,
of something bigger than himself.
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- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Wistful. Good insight into the man with just a few words This reads as if father has passed, but huge chunks 9f him remain with N. I think this is an intelligent piece
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
I had to read it more than once to get the shape of it. Carefully done.
I think if'n it were mine I'd eliminate "seems" from the fourth stanza.
"seems" and "as if" are really the same thing, spelled differently. =)
I think if'n it were mine I'd eliminate "seems" from the fourth stanza.
"seems" and "as if" are really the same thing, spelled differently. =)
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Thanks Kenneth.
Oh, you are so right, Judy, I wrote this directly into the post without rewrite, so it needs some touch-up. I just like to get stuff out, sometimes it doesn't need anything. I'll delete the "Seems". I've been trying to avoid a lot of nonessential words like: but, just, seems, etc., etc., etc.
Oh, you are so right, Judy, I wrote this directly into the post without rewrite, so it needs some touch-up. I just like to get stuff out, sometimes it doesn't need anything. I'll delete the "Seems". I've been trying to avoid a lot of nonessential words like: but, just, seems, etc., etc., etc.
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Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Terrific poem, Billy....kudos
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Billy, it's okay. Read what you write outloud, that's one sure way of catching most of the nits
before they ever get posted. For a first draft, this is excellent.
before they ever get posted. For a first draft, this is excellent.
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Another site has nominated it for IBPC. Thanks for commenting Bob andJudy.
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- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Hi Bob
Title is esp integral here
Workshop-share -
He's grey, doesn't get up,
and he's looking beyond
At the finale I'm hearing:
I get up and move on. He's a part, now,
of something bigger than us both
Congrats on the nom-nod.
Does that mean that you will not have a poem available to represent The Writer's Block this current IBPC?
That is, are you going to represent for another IBPC board, and need not be considered for representing the WB.
Thanks, Billy
Michael (MV)
Title is esp integral here
Workshop-share -
He's grey, doesn't get up,
and he's looking beyond
At the finale I'm hearing:
I get up and move on. He's a part, now,
of something bigger than us both
Congrats on the nom-nod.
Does that mean that you will not have a poem available to represent The Writer's Block this current IBPC?
That is, are you going to represent for another IBPC board, and need not be considered for representing the WB.
Thanks, Billy
Michael (MV)
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Thanks Michael, I will consider your suggestion.
I am representing another board. I haven't been nominated here anyway.
I am representing another board. I haven't been nominated here anyway.
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Bob nominated you
Re: I Could Only Write This Today
Oh I see that, but yes I’m with other board