Sleeping on a Roof

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1556
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Sleeping on a Roof

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Jan 2020, 22:11

Sleeping on a Roof

She brought me home from a reading,
saying no poet should sleep so rough--
then trimmed my long hair,
scissors striding expertly.

She waitressed during the day.
I wandered the streets
admiring the dark barges of rain clouds,
the Chinatown bins
of ice and fish, the bay’s white skirts....

Increasingly she scolded:
"Get a job...
Why shouldn't poets work?
Are they any better
than short order cooks,
doctors, janitors?"

I tried to accept the idea.
After all, maybe Homer, too,
bending to his wife's will,
wrote poetry on the side.

I think of him
repairing sandals as his trade.
Was it while working that he first thought
of the Achilles heel?

I could see my future:
employed, I would be released
like an osprey
whose torn wing has mended.

I moved back to my old address,
3 stories above the pavement.
Look, even the stars
have welcomed me back,
lighting their penny candles
so I will never again lose
my way home.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1163
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 25 Jan 2020, 10:49

B

Seems perfect.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1556
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Jan 2020, 22:08

Thank you, Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1163
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 25 Jan 2020, 22:40

B
Think about this


Sleeping on a Roof

She brought me home from a reading,
saying no poet should sleep so rough
then she trimmed my long hair,
her scissors striding expertly.

Immediate action,because there is no space,or gap after two lines.

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#5 Post by capricorn » 26 Jan 2020, 01:44

BobBradshaw wrote:
24 Jan 2020, 22:11

Hi Bob,
Brilliant poem - unusual topic. I feel it might need a little trim in parts - a few suggestions below (only if they suit your intentions.)

She brought me home from a reading,
saying no poet should sleep so rough

then [she] trimmed my long hair,
[her] scissors striding expertly.

Personally, I think this flows better as one stanza.
She could be deleted from L3 because you started with 'she in L1 which is the same sentence. 'Her' could be deleted as it is presumed the scissors were hers.


She waitressed 9 to 5.
I wandered the streets
admiring the dark barges of rain clouds,
the Chinatown bins
of ice and fish, the bay’s white skirts....

She scolded more and more:
"Get a job...
Why shouldn't poets work?
Are they any better
than short order cooks,
doctors, janitors?"

L1 - 'increasingly' instead of 'more and more'?

What could I say?
I tried to accept the idea.
After all, maybe Homer, too,
bending to his wife's will,
wrote poetry on the side.

Is L1 necessary?

I tried to think of him
repairing sandals as his trade.
Was it while working that he first thought
of the Achilles heel?

I could see my future:
employed, I would be released
like an osprey
whose torn wing has mended. Nice

I moved back to my old address,
3 stories above the pavement.
[Look,] Even the stars
have welcomed me back,
lighting their penny candles
so I will never again lose
my way home.

Like the 'penny candles'

Hope something helps
Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1556
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 26 Jan 2020, 10:24

Siva, Eira -- thank you for your suggestions. I have adjusted the poem....best

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1163
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 26 Jan 2020, 19:59

B
Sometime peers 'see' what the poet ' overlooks.' And the satisfactio of a finished poem is the reward.

S

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#8 Post by capricorn » 27 Jan 2020, 03:01

Perfect!

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#9 Post by capricorn » 29 Jan 2020, 03:40

I'd like to nominate this one, Bob, unless there is another you'd prefer to go.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1556
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Jan 2020, 08:44

Thx... that would be great

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1163
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Sleeping on a Roof

#11 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 Jan 2020, 10:38

Bob

And I will second the nomination.

Siva

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