V2:
Separation
Conjoined at the hip and chest,
we were partners in a slow dance.
Though our parents were divorced,
we never knew loneliness.
When talk of separation came up
we looked at each other
the way a pilot and co-pilot
in a piper plane do
when flying at low altitude,
and the engine stalls.
Our parents chatted up the joy
of jumping puddles, and weeks later
I awoke to my brother lying in a bed
next to mine. His full face
clearly seen for the first time.
And when Brady turned his back
and strode the hospital hall without me
I saw my future.
To this day I know when he feels ill--
I take to my bed. And when he's happy
I'm happy. Brady remains
as close to me as my chest scar.
When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and imagine, again, feeling whole
V1:
Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways
Conjoined at the hip and chest,
we were partners in a slow dance.
Though our parents were divorced,
we never knew loneliness.
When talk of separation came up
we looked at each other
the way a pilot and co-pilot
in a piper plane do
when flying at low altitude,
and the engine stalls.
Our parents chatted up the joy
of jumping puddles, and weeks later
I awoke to my brother lying in a bed
next to mine. His full face
clearly seen for the first time.
And when Brady turned his back
and strode the hospital hall without me
I saw my future.
To this day I know when he feels ill--
I take to my bed. And when he's happy
I'm happy. Brady remains
as close to me as my chest scar.
When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and imagine feeling whole
once more
Separation
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways
Bob,
I read this when you first posted.
Couldn't respond then; short on time now.
Must say this:
Strong at each level and in toto.
A poem powerful w/out the explosives.
At this time, I hope this will represent the WB for the April IBPC.
And I'm returning w/ a fine-tune workshopping - consider that too long and telling title - the poem is so accomplished & engaging that that issue is overlooked - yet being optimistic, when the poem finds a home, why let it be curated in the archive with that revealng line-length title - even more rewarding to future readers to discover by experience of the poem.
"conjoined" the 1st word in the title & then in the text -
when that word doesn't even need to be a part of the poem at all
What a joy to read your poetry - Thanks, Bob, for being a cyber-neighbor in poetry on the block(WB)
Michael (MV)
I read this when you first posted.
Couldn't respond then; short on time now.
Must say this:
Strong at each level and in toto.
A poem powerful w/out the explosives.
At this time, I hope this will represent the WB for the April IBPC.
And I'm returning w/ a fine-tune workshopping - consider that too long and telling title - the poem is so accomplished & engaging that that issue is overlooked - yet being optimistic, when the poem finds a home, why let it be curated in the archive with that revealng line-length title - even more rewarding to future readers to discover by experience of the poem.
"conjoined" the 1st word in the title & then in the text -
when that word doesn't even need to be a part of the poem at all
What a joy to read your poetry - Thanks, Bob, for being a cyber-neighbor in poetry on the block(WB)
Michael (MV)
-
- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways
remember (re member)
In this poem, to "remember" is to "imagine, " and then "re member:re join."
When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and remember, again, feeling whole
^^ recasted as above, "once more" ' would now not be needed
Bob, have you maybe considered a one-word title: "Separation " - it relates to all readings, from the subtext up
In this poem, to "remember" is to "imagine, " and then "re member:re join."
When I'm sad I run my finger over it
and remember, again, feeling whole
^^ recasted as above, "once more" ' would now not be needed
Bob, have you maybe considered a one-word title: "Separation " - it relates to all readings, from the subtext up
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- Posts: 2688
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Conjoined Twins Go Their Separate Ways
Thanks, Michael.... especially for your enthusiastic support. It means a lot.
I like the idea of “Separation” for the title.
And I also like your improvement for the last line.
Yes. I’d appreciate a nom for April.
Again, much thanks!
Bob
I like the idea of “Separation” for the title.
And I also like your improvement for the last line.
Yes. I’d appreciate a nom for April.
Again, much thanks!
Bob