New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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 Post subject: Biography
PostPosted: 30 May 2017, 04:38 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Autobiography


Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Shower water circles
the tub, a glazed spell
colors her ballerina foot,
naked buttocks drape
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down my notebook.




Original

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water circles
the tub, a glazed spell
colors her ballerina foot,
naked buttocks drape
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 30 May 2017, 12:05 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1175
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
This is magical Bernie.

Typical Bernie.

Grabs our attention from the start.

Poetry at its best.


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 30 May 2017, 19:49 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 849
B

What I like most is the title. And of course the last sentence.


S


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 30 May 2017, 20:20 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1327
Hi Bernie.


seems more an "Auto-biography" than biography

maybe Autobiography as title?


smooth & admiral, how the 3rd stanza imagines the floating world" - ukiyo-e

^^ here is a soundtrack & lyric to accompany the scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCps14dW-OE


workshop sharing fort he last stanza -


I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.

or

I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She out-rhymes me,
I put down the notebook

or

I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She rhymes with me,
putting down the notebook.

or

I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She rhymes for me,
putting down the notebook.


If you don't already have a poem committed to representing another board for this upcoming June IBPC,
would you please consider "Biography" to represent the WB:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6573


Thanks, mojave

8)

Michael (MV)
 


Bernie01 wrote:

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water steeps
in blank circling puddles,
the tub's glazed spell,
drowns her ballerina foot
white as winter Bolshoi,
naked buttocks draped
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 30 May 2017, 21:18 
Offline

Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 849
Yes.I second Michael's nomination.

S


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 30 May 2017, 23:58 
Offline

Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1327
 
Thanks, Siva,

for your interest.


Would you please voice your nom-nod(s) in the monthly thread @ Palaver:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6573


Thanks, Siva

Michael (MV)
 

 

SivaRamanathan wrote:
Yes.I second Michael's nomination.

S


 
 
 
 
 


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 31 May 2017, 05:07 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Frank:

my goodness, thanks for that high praise.


Siva:

and a IBPC nod, i'm in an earthly heaven.


Michael:

will continue to review the close, for now, big thanks and yes to the IBPC nom.



bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 01 Jun 2017, 03:18 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 745
I agree. It's a lovely poem...I would remove the two lines about the naked buttocks draped / like grammar over a poem. The lines are distracting...they take the poem in an abstract direction that isn't needed, because the details of the poem are so gorgeous.

Hot shower water steeps
in blank circling puddles,
the tub's glazed spell,
drowns her ballerina foot
white as winter Bolshoi.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 01 Jun 2017, 05:59 
Offline

Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27
Posts: 446
Certain lines do not go with me, otherwise, it is a fine poem.

_________________
meenas17


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 03 Jun 2017, 06:39 
Offline

Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Bob---

will experiment and remove that line about grammar---in my mind it related to the remarke about a villanelle.



M---only one line you didn't like? i got off lightly.


thanks to you both for your time and comments.


bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Biography
PostPosted: 13 Jul 2018, 00:01 
Offline

Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Revision #1

Autobiography

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water circles
the tub, a glazed spell
colors her ballerina foot,
naked buttocks drape
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.






Original

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water steeps
in blank circling puddles,
the tub's glazed spell
drowns her ballerina foot
white as winter Bolshoi,
naked buttocks draped
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.


Top
 Profile  
 
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