Biography

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Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Biography

#1 Post by Bernie01 » 30 May 2017, 04:38

Autobiography


Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Shower water circles
the tub, a glazed spell
colors her ballerina foot,
naked buttocks drape
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down my notebook.




Original

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water circles
the tub, a glazed spell
colors her ballerina foot,
naked buttocks drape
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Biography

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 30 May 2017, 12:05

This is magical Bernie.

Typical Bernie.

Grabs our attention from the start.

Poetry at its best.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 881
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Biography

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 30 May 2017, 19:49

B

What I like most is the title. And of course the last sentence.


S

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1372
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Biography

#4 Post by Michael (MV) » 30 May 2017, 20:20

Hi Bernie.


seems more an "Auto-biography" than biography

maybe Autobiography as title?


smooth & admiral, how the 3rd stanza imagines the floating world" - ukiyo-e

^^ here is a soundtrack & lyric to accompany the scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCps14dW-OE


workshop sharing fort he last stanza -


I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.

or

I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She out-rhymes me,
I put down the notebook

or

I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She rhymes with me,
putting down the notebook.

or

I forget the scheme
of my villanelle. She rhymes for me,
putting down the notebook.


If you don't already have a poem committed to representing another board for this upcoming June IBPC,
would you please consider "Biography" to represent the WB:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6573


Thanks, mojave

8)

Michael (MV)
 

Bernie01 wrote:
Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water steeps
in blank circling puddles,
the tub's glazed spell,
drowns her ballerina foot
white as winter Bolshoi,
naked buttocks draped
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 881
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Biography

#5 Post by SivaRamanathan » 30 May 2017, 21:18

Yes.I second Michael's nomination.

S

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1372
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Biography

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 30 May 2017, 23:58

 
Thanks, Siva,

for your interest.


Would you please voice your nom-nod(s) in the monthly thread @ Palaver:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=6573


Thanks, Siva

Michael (MV)
 

 
SivaRamanathan wrote:Yes.I second Michael's nomination.

S
 
 
 
 
 

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Biography

#7 Post by Bernie01 » 31 May 2017, 05:07

Frank:

my goodness, thanks for that high praise.


Siva:

and a IBPC nod, i'm in an earthly heaven.


Michael:

will continue to review the close, for now, big thanks and yes to the IBPC nom.



bernie

BobBradshaw
Posts: 844
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Biography

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Jun 2017, 03:18

I agree. It's a lovely poem...I would remove the two lines about the naked buttocks draped / like grammar over a poem. The lines are distracting...they take the poem in an abstract direction that isn't needed, because the details of the poem are so gorgeous.

Hot shower water steeps
in blank circling puddles,
the tub's glazed spell,
drowns her ballerina foot
white as winter Bolshoi.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.

meenas17
Posts: 462
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Biography

#9 Post by meenas17 » 01 Jun 2017, 05:59

Certain lines do not go with me, otherwise, it is a fine poem.
meenas17

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Biography

#10 Post by Bernie01 » 03 Jun 2017, 06:39

Bob---

will experiment and remove that line about grammar---in my mind it related to the remarke about a villanelle.



M---only one line you didn't like? i got off lightly.


thanks to you both for your time and comments.


bernie

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Biography

#11 Post by Bernie01 » 13 Jul 2018, 00:01

Revision #1

Autobiography

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water circles
the tub, a glazed spell
colors her ballerina foot,
naked buttocks drape
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.






Original

Trace of Macchiato
carelessly strung
over the cherry lip
of my wife's mouth.

To fool me, you need
more than a milk
moustache.

Hot shower water steeps
in blank circling puddles,
the tub's glazed spell
drowns her ballerina foot
white as winter Bolshoi,
naked buttocks draped
like grammar in a poem.

I forget the rhyme scheme
of my villanelle. She wins,
I put down the notebook.

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