New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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 Post subject: Tenderfoot
PostPosted: 11 Mar 2018, 12:10 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1175
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
White caps ride the thermals while
below ribons of blue snake out
from the shore, highways of effluents
carry the detritus of procreation

Black mills, workshops, empty of Satan
flourish in the Kingdom, repairing,
forging, creating wealth for the nation.
Huwie attends his machine, a ten ton slotter

and increases the cut. A shudder shakes
the foundations, Roy stirs from his reverie
"Steady lad, steady, we've got hundreds
of the buggers to go through, hundreds."

Old Roy drifts into soliloquy, "Those Boers
could shoot the eye out of a turkey
from half a mile away, tricky farmers
of the Transvaal, plucky fellows."

Rod screams, "You're ten thou out!"
Hughie replies with a few ripostes in his head,
but then best not to antagonise him further,
He might cleck and tell Mr. Greenfield.

He's heady with the freedom, excitement,
the power of the machines, glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes

that unsettles the girls and informs them
of a scenario to come. The flywheel picks up
again after the thud of the cut, storing
potential energy ready for the next pass.

It runs quietly, the bearings oiled
the noise of the flapping belts hardly
noticeable. He knows they're all
listening surreptitiously, but listening,

watching for a mistake, he holds
back the cut on the downward stroke,
eyes turn to face him, he knew it.
Roy opens one eye, then drifts off again.


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 Post subject: Re: Tenderfoot
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:09 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1175
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Modified.


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 Post subject: Re: Tenderfoot
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:19 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 745
Could to hear you telling a story again....A suggestion...start at the line "Huwie attends his machine..." That gets us quickly into the action. Who is Mr. Greenfield? Toss him.

I like these lines:

glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes

that unsettles the girls...

but take out "and informs them
of a scenario to come. " < the language is flat and unnecessary

Look to cut ....maybe "surreptitiously, but listening." and "He knew it." are candidates. Also "knew" is past tense, the rest of the stanza present....

As usual, your storytelling and grasp of dialogue stands out...good, strong voice....


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 Post subject: Re: Tenderfoot
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:41 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
I remember the original and I like this much more. It's another Frank poem, full of action and indecipherable machines


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 Post subject: Re: Tenderfoot
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 05:52 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Frank---

industrial graphic.

a brave new telling of the industrial story, rich and highly visual.

i found myself just saying wow as this freight train roared by





bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Tenderfoot
PostPosted: 19 May 2018, 02:26 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1175
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Thanks Bernie, Bob and Ken
so kind.


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