Tenderfoot

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Tenderfoot

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 11 Mar 2018, 12:10

White caps ride the thermals while
below ribons of blue snake out
from the shore, highways of effluents
carry the detritus of procreation

Black mills, workshops, empty of Satan
flourish in the Kingdom, repairing,
forging, creating wealth for the nation.
Huwie attends his machine, a ten ton slotter

and increases the cut. A shudder shakes
the foundations, Roy stirs from his reverie
"Steady lad, steady, we've got hundreds
of the buggers to go through, hundreds."

Old Roy drifts into soliloquy, "Those Boers
could shoot the eye out of a turkey
from half a mile away, tricky farmers
of the Transvaal, plucky fellows."

Rod screams, "You're ten thou out!"
Hughie replies with a few ripostes in his head,
but then best not to antagonise him further,
He might cleck and tell Mr. Greenfield.

He's heady with the freedom, excitement,
the power of the machines, glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes

that unsettles the girls and informs them
of a scenario to come. The flywheel picks up
again after the thud of the cut, storing
potential energy ready for the next pass.

It runs quietly, the bearings oiled
the noise of the flapping belts hardly
noticeable. He knows they're all
listening surreptitiously, but listening,

watching for a mistake, he holds
back the cut on the downward stroke,
eyes turn to face him, he knew it.
Roy opens one eye, then drifts off again.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Tenderfoot

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 12 May 2018, 22:09

Modified.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 842
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Tenderfoot

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 12 May 2018, 22:19

Could to hear you telling a story again....A suggestion...start at the line "Huwie attends his machine..." That gets us quickly into the action. Who is Mr. Greenfield? Toss him.

I like these lines:

glad to be away
from the tyranny of his schooldays teachers,
their petty perversions, the wink of their eyes

that unsettles the girls...

but take out "and informs them
of a scenario to come. " < the language is flat and unnecessary

Look to cut ....maybe "surreptitiously, but listening." and "He knew it." are candidates. Also "knew" is past tense, the rest of the stanza present....

As usual, your storytelling and grasp of dialogue stands out...good, strong voice....

Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Tenderfoot

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 May 2018, 22:41

I remember the original and I like this much more. It's another Frank poem, full of action and indecipherable machines

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Tenderfoot

#5 Post by Bernie01 » 13 May 2018, 05:52

Frank---

industrial graphic.

a brave new telling of the industrial story, rich and highly visual.

i found myself just saying wow as this freight train roared by





bernie

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Tenderfoot

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 May 2018, 02:26

Thanks Bernie, Bob and Ken
so kind.

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