New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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PostPosted: 10 May 2018, 15:43 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
If only for the sake of Tuesday
I should go out for a walk
with my one trick knee,

laces undone for the edema.
I organize my pills by color :
white, blue, salmon.

It is thirty seven light poles
to the fire station.

The meter man wears a safari
helmet against the sun,
tabulates this month's
abuse of power.

The irises have broken ground,
The philodendron has tendriled.

I turn back.The day is too beautiful.


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PostPosted: 10 May 2018, 22:00 
Online

Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 745
Better....it works for me


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 01:45 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
Honestly, I don't think I care about this. I've not written in a long while.It just sort of popped into my head


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 03:34 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1327
 
Hi Kenneth,


revise/abbreviate the title; for example, "finding motivation"


"laces undone for the edema."

^^ most young people don't understand that - probably not time yet (a time to be young)

This poem is Spring @ the P of V of a senior - someone who has seen the spring-rise many times before (and still like the very first time   8)

I'm 60, and still experience the rush of Easter & Spring like during in my concert-going days

^^ my epithet these days: the youngest senior   8)


edema
has freed
my laces

slip-ons
and offs


(serendipitious that your revision appears Thursday May 10, 2018, same as this occasion:

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/10 ... ar-AAx467k)



"The meter man wears a safari
helmet against the sun"

^^ creative enjamb on "safari" - resouceful, "safari" as noun & then as adjective modifying "helmut"

prompting me to workshop-suggest in lieu of "wears":

The meter man sports a safari
helmet against the sun

^^ fun for the alliteration, too :)



"The irises have broken ground,
The philodendron has tendriled."

^^ Hopkinsesque - esp "tendriled" - prompting me to workshop-share sans the article "The" & the auxiliary "has":

Irises have broken ground,
The philodendron, tendriled.



workshop share for the finale as:

The day is too beautiful to turn back


I leave the poem hearing a variation on James Taylor's:

"I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end"

^^ I see sunny days I believe will never end

8)

Michael (MV)

in heaven
there is no sunset
the Son is always on the rise
 
 

Kenneth2816 wrote:
If only for the sake of Tuesday
I should go out for a walk
with my one trick knee,

laces undone for the edema.
I organize my pills by color :
white, blue, salmon.

It is thirty seven light poles
to the fire station.

The meter man wears a safari
helmet against the sun,
tabulates this month's
abuse of power.

The irises have broken ground,
The philodendron has tendriled.

I turn back.The day is too beautiful.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 06:22 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 849
You do not need this line


The day is too beautiful.


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 07:48 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
^^ thank you guys


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 09:57 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1175
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Cannot compete with Michael's critique,
I like the revision.


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 20:23 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
Thanks


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 20:31 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 849
This could go to the IBPC too. For the simple reason that it isn't just another poem.


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:43 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
MV I like your finish better than mine.


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:44 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 582
Siva. That's very thoughtful. I honestly font think it very good, certainly not s contender for ibpc


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