v3:
Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception,
Meets a Young Man She Will Marry
Ashlyn, you sit on the sofa,
as young men display their wit
like gymnasts showing off
their tumbling routines,
each twist and landing
well rehearsed.
You smile, like they are merely
unruly children, and turn away.
From the corner of your eye
you see someone new,
a young man lost in his thoughts.
He tries to blend in,
as if standing at the rail
of a cruise ship. He gazes
into the distance as if seeing
the expanse of the Atlantic
for the first time.
He conceals any interest in you even
as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, swing around
slowly, sleek
and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.
Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"
you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”
as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually
as if it was the only seat
available,
the future as always
hanging in the air,
like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized
v2:
Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception,
Meets a Young Man She Will Marry
Ashlyn, you sit on the sofa,
young men displaying their wit
like gymnasts showing off
their tumbling routines,
each twist and landing
well rehearsed.
You smile, like they are merely
unruly children, and turn away.
From the corner of your eye
you see someone new,
a young man lost in his thoughts.
Is he trying to blend in,
as if standing at the rail
of a cruise ship? He gazes
into the distance as if seeing
the expanse of the Atlantic
for the first time.
He conceals any interest in you even
as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, swinging around
slowly, sleek
and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.
Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"
you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”
as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually
as if it was the only seat
available,
the future as always
hanging in the air,
like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized
v1:
Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception,
Meets a Young Man She Will Marry
Ashlyn, you sit on the sofa,
young men displaying their wit
like gymnasts showing off
their tumbling routines,
each twist and landing
well rehearsed.
You smile, like they are merely
unruly children, and turn away.
From the corner of your eye
you see someone new,
a young man lost in his thoughts.
Is he trying to blend in,
like a chameleon,
one moment part of a branch's lichen,
the next part of its burgeoning
red blooms?
He conceals any interest in you even
as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, look around, beautiful
but pensive, like a kingfisher
pondering a river from its branch...
Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"
you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”
as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually
as if it was the only seat
available,
the future as always
hanging in the air,
like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized
Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a Youn
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a
Bob---
just wonderful. I was right there, every twist and glimpse.
wish the poem could find something more feminine here:
like a chameleon,
one moment part of a branch's lichen,
like a couple at the rail
of a sea borne cruiser,
the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, look around, beautiful
oh that oft used word...beautiful....something else? something more individual, special?
the way to an aperitif table
pause, to model a film scene,
ready for a technicolor close-up.
i want to toss this line:
...pensive, like a kingfisher
pondering a river from its branch...
Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"
you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”
as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually
as if it was the only seat
available,
the future as always
hanging in the air,
like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized
oh, i love the close, that wonderful bridal bouquet.
bernie
just wonderful. I was right there, every twist and glimpse.
wish the poem could find something more feminine here:
like a chameleon,
one moment part of a branch's lichen,
like a couple at the rail
of a sea borne cruiser,
the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, look around, beautiful
oh that oft used word...beautiful....something else? something more individual, special?
the way to an aperitif table
pause, to model a film scene,
ready for a technicolor close-up.
i want to toss this line:
...pensive, like a kingfisher
pondering a river from its branch...
Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"
you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”
as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually
as if it was the only seat
available,
the future as always
hanging in the air,
like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized
oh, i love the close, that wonderful bridal bouquet.
bernie
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- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a
Thanks so much, Bernie. I will work on your suggestions....Bob
Re: Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a
Bob---
love it.
as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, swinging around
slowly, sleek
and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.
gorgeous.
bernie
love it.
as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, swinging around
slowly, sleek
and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.
gorgeous.
bernie
-
- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a
Thanks, Bernie...your suggestions made all the difference
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a
Bob, I think staying in present tense:
Display vs. displaying.
as he tries to blend in
swing vs swinging
Ponders vs pondering
Hangs vs hanging
Makes it more immediate. The portrait you paint of the young man and Ashlynn is a great example of show don't tell. It's quite a lovely piece
Display vs. displaying.
as he tries to blend in
swing vs swinging
Ponders vs pondering
Hangs vs hanging
Makes it more immediate. The portrait you paint of the young man and Ashlynn is a great example of show don't tell. It's quite a lovely piece
-
- Posts: 2683
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception, Meets a
Thanks, Kenneth....I will think about your ideas...thanks for liking this...