New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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PostPosted: 10 May 2018, 22:18 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 743
v3:

Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception,
Meets a Young Man She Will Marry


Ashlyn, you sit on the sofa,
as young men display their wit

like gymnasts showing off
their tumbling routines,

each twist and landing
well rehearsed.

You smile, like they are merely
unruly children, and turn away.

From the corner of your eye
you see someone new,

a young man lost in his thoughts.
He tries to blend in,

as if standing at the rail
of a cruise ship. He gazes

into the distance as if seeing
the expanse of the Atlantic

for the first time.
He conceals any interest in you even

as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.

You pause, swing around
slowly, sleek

and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.

Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"

you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”

as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually

as if it was the only seat
available,

the future as always
hanging in the air,

like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized



v2:

Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception,
Meets a Young Man She Will Marry


Ashlyn, you sit on the sofa,
young men displaying their wit

like gymnasts showing off
their tumbling routines,

each twist and landing
well rehearsed.

You smile, like they are merely
unruly children, and turn away.

From the corner of your eye
you see someone new,

a young man lost in his thoughts.
Is he trying to blend in,

as if standing at the rail
of a cruise ship? He gazes

into the distance as if seeing
the expanse of the Atlantic

for the first time.
He conceals any interest in you even

as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.

You pause, swinging around
slowly, sleek

and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.

Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"

you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”

as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually

as if it was the only seat
available,

the future as always
hanging in the air,

like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized



v1:
Ashlyn, Attending a Friend’s Wedding Reception,
Meets a Young Man She Will Marry


Ashlyn, you sit on the sofa,
young men displaying their wit

like gymnasts showing off
their tumbling routines,

each twist and landing
well rehearsed.

You smile, like they are merely
unruly children, and turn away.

From the corner of your eye
you see someone new,

a young man lost in his thoughts.
Is he trying to blend in,

like a chameleon,
one moment part of a branch's lichen,

the next part of its burgeoning
red blooms?

He conceals any interest in you even
as you brush past

on the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, look around, beautiful

but pensive, like a kingfisher
pondering a river from its branch...

Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"

you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”

as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually

as if it was the only seat
available,

the future as always
hanging in the air,

like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 06:55 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Bob---

just wonderful. I was right there, every twist and glimpse.

wish the poem could find something more feminine here:


like a chameleon,
one moment part of a branch's lichen,


like a couple at the rail
of a sea borne cruiser,



the way to an aperitif table.
You pause, look around, beautiful

oh that oft used word...beautiful....something else? something more individual, special?


the way to an aperitif table
pause, to model a film scene,
ready for a technicolor close-up.




i want to toss this line:


...pensive, like a kingfisher
pondering a river from its branch...






Maybe if he doesn’t notice you
you will introduce yourself. "Oh,"

you’ll say, “Excuse me,
I didn’t see you…”

as you sit down in a folding chair
next to him, as casually

as if it was the only seat
available,

the future as always
hanging in the air,

like a tossed bridal bouquet,
waiting to be seized





oh, i love the close, that wonderful bridal bouquet.




bernie


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 09:46 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 743
Thanks so much, Bernie. I will work on your suggestions....Bob


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 21:29 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Bob---


love it.



as you brush past
on the way to an aperitif table.

You pause, swinging around
slowly, sleek

and as striking as any sailboat
during Race Week.



gorgeous.


bernie


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 23:27 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 743
Thanks, Bernie...your suggestions made all the difference


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 08:01 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 580
Bob, I think staying in present tense:
Display vs. displaying.
as he tries to blend in
swing vs swinging
Ponders vs pondering
Hangs vs hanging

Makes it more immediate. The portrait you paint of the young man and Ashlynn is a great example of show don't tell. It's quite a lovely piece


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:06 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 743
Thanks, Kenneth....I will think about your ideas...thanks for liking this...


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