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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 07:05 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
Gang---

how can i thank you? this poem has hung around my desk much too long.

your comments helped greatly to nail this more final version.

for now, mastodons, but thinking hard.



Rains wash across
the grain carriers,
the massive ships
lumber a glassine
sea, the occasional
whistle like a woman
speaking a secret wish.

The softened glimmer
of their passage glows
on the black ocean,
I face the rains
and my memories of you
trail out to wrap me
in winter night.

The yellow ship lights
melt across the ocean,
ships like mastodons
meshed on the sea,
cantos for the disinterred,
melancholy speech soft
like your voice talking.

The clean moon hangs over
the sea, the slackened rain
siphoned away,
the visiting night
drapes across slowing dark,
her voice sounds itself
in night hours of struggle.

*Sarah Jane Sloat




Original

Rains wash lumbering
grain carriers
on the glassine sea,
the occasional whistle
like a woman speaking
something secret
to a friend next door.

Big bulky ships sail,
the wet season all around
and the softened glimmer
of their passage, the lingering
glow across the darkened sea
facing into rains that I face
empty without you.

The sultry yellow running lights
melting into the dark tide,
ships like watering mastodons
meshed on the sea,
cantos for the disinterred,
melancholy speech softened
like your voice talking.

Imagine how clean the moon
hanging over our ocean view
with the rain siphoned away
after storms in the inkblot of sky,
the visiting night draped for love,
the slowing night dressed for love



*Sarah Jane Sloat
and awarded the fallen.


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 10:13 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 654
Many striking lines, as always....

the softened glimmer
of their passage, the lingering
glow across the darkened sea
facing into rains that I face
empty without you.

but I would take out the line
"the wet season all around"

since it isn't necessary.

Similarly, with this lovely picture,

The sultry yellow running lights
melting into the dark tide,
ships like watering mastodons
meshed on the sea,
cantos for the disinterred,
melancholy speech softened
like your voice talking.

I would take out
"ships like watering mastodons
meshed on the sea,"

since references to mastodons, dinosaurs, etc. rarely work, and detract here from the lovely mood you have created.

Similarly for the last stanza, another beautifully written one,

Imagine how clean the moon
hanging over our ocean view
with the rain siphoned away
after storms in the inkblot of sky,
the visiting night draped for love,
the slowing night dressed for love
and awarded the fallen.

I would take out "after storms in the inkblot of sky"...it doesn't live up to the quality of the other images...plus there are references to rains preceding it...

another lyrical beauty

But it's a fine, fine stanza...I love "with the rain siphoned away"....siphoned...great choice


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 12:57 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1060
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
B.

1st S
Maybe: a glassine sea,
love that word glassine
did you invent it.

2nd S

Quote:
and the softened glimmer
of their passage,


Maybe change with a comma
so you say:
all around the soft glimmer of their passage

These are a class act in descriptive passages
I've been to sea, I see it as you see it
in the poem.

S3
Maybe start with Sultry:
and drop the gerund 'melting]

Sultry yellow running lights
melt[ing] into the dark tide,
ships like watering mastodons
meshed on the sea,
cantos for the disinterred,
melancholy speech softened
like your voice talking.

Mastodons is fine with me,
love cantos, so apt.

S4
Imagine how clean the moon
[that hangs?] hanging over our ocean view
with the rain siphoned away
after storms in the inkblot of sky,
the visiting night draped for love,
the slowing night dressed for love
and awarded the fallen.

You know two 'love's' on two line endings
will jar, your choice.

Marvellous poem
a masterclass in descriptive passages
well, you know that.

Suitable for a nomination, a very fine pom.


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 15:14 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Fierce Missing?
First let me say that it is a well crafted but natural sounding poem.
facing into rains that I face
empty without you.
These lines bring out the vacuum very well. 'Sultry' seems to be your trade mark word. Ships like mastodons, why watering? Does watering have any other meaning? We say elephants in (I forget the word) must/mast/when they are turning mad?
talking. or whispering?
the slowing night (also) dressed for love
I don’t get the last line, but that is me.
My only grouse is with the ‘fierce in the title. Surely there must be a way of expressing this without using the word.
It is a poem of love and longing and missing and vacuum. The sea, the ship and the rain form an essential back drop.


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 19:03 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Musth --elephants in musth
https://i1.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/ ... h-crop.jpg


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 22:27 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
Rains wash across
the grain carriers,
the massive ships
lumber the glassine
sea, the occasional
whistle like a woman
speaking a secret wish.

The softened glimmer
of their passage glows
on the black ocean,
I face the rains
and my memories of you
trail out to wrap me
in restless night.

The yellow ship lights
melt across the ocean,
ships like mastodons
meshed on the sea,
cantos for the disinterred,
melancholy speech soft
like your voice talking.

The clean moon hangs over
the sea, the slackened rain
siphoned away,
the visiting night
drapes across slowing dark,
her voice rises to speak
amid my struggling night hours.


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PostPosted: 11 May 2018, 23:32 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 654
I like what you have done here...especially these lines:

I face the rains
and my memories of you
trail out to wrap me
in winter night.

Maybe you could substitute imagery of divers working wrecks for the mastodons'? The lights being divers' lights? just thinking out loud....


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 05:42 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
B

The revised version of the poem is for keepers.

S


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 06:44 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 654
I have changed to a certain extent my view on the mastodons' image. It works, although because of my personal bias I would prefer something else....but as long as it works, all is good....keeping personal biases in check can be a challenge(sigh)....


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 07:51 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
I'm confused Is this a poem by Sloat?


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 08:03 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
Ken:


no, i just used her title.



bernie


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 08:53 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
Ahh. In that case it's beautiful. My only comment would be change to
Like your voice trailing


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 09:54 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1060
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
This poem has to be nominated for this month's
IBPC
I nominate it,
seconds?


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 12:52 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Kenneth

and awarded the fallen.
this line is by
*Sarah Jane Sloat

Frank
I second the nomination


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PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 10:07 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
B
I googled 'mastodons' and my first impression was that of a sea beast above the water.In my second vision it looked like a giant lyre,also above the water.Then finally I realized that it was a ship.

S


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PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 17:04 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1060
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
I wrote a poem about mastodons recently Bernie
and parrots, have you been reading my poems? :)


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PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 18:53 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Which one is it Frank? No matter,I would like to read it now.

S


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PostPosted: 14 May 2018, 23:42 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
wonderful review of Sarah Sloat chapbook:


https://www.vianegativa.us/2009/12/in-t ... h-j-sloat/


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