New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

Poets, Writers, Author Salon Reviews, New York Pitch Conference, Algonkian Writer Conferences
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 Post subject: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 21:18 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
And so she made me stay with her for two years
teaching me how to look at and for objects. —
the hazy achieved preciseness
like the focusing of a lens.
wavering lights became static
liquid solid.

Valeria was my looking glass,
my pair of German lenses both convex and concave;
she showed me the depth of field,
I saw Grotto Mary plus the Infant.

Then Valeria, Valeria, Valeria.

She made me do Satan
thus elevating my acting prowess.

All my friends called her Valerika meaning cucumber.
Divide—with a bread knife-
Give away a bite of chocolate to the sweeper woman’s daughter.

I learnt to keep a pocket note book
and jot down variant spellings.

In short she made the Angels of the Holy Angels
come true. She made me forgive Adelaide and Berthela
Sisters who always wanted to see my Appa.


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 22:37 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
Lovely. I would opt for "hazily perceived precision"
Drop "the" from depth of field

Learnt not as good as simply learned

Very engaging,I don't even care what Apps is, the forgiving is enough.

This rings as true, I like the wry wit.

Very nice job. Your style is truly unique Siva and your range is good. Others may choose to offer their revisions. But to me it's perfect except for a few grammatical updates. It's also universal in that you haven't tied it to a location exactly. I'm very impressed.

Send this out please


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 23:35 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Kenneth
Please write this whole line for me.'Learned'
Appa is father.Like your Papa.
This is a linking poem for my fictional memoir.
And thank you for reading and your edits.

S


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 23:54 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 654
This flows very nicely... enjoyed


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 05:32 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
Siva---


need i see the film first?



Appa (English: Father) is a 2016 Indian Tamil-language independent drama film written, produced and directed by Samuthirakani. A sequel to Saattai (2012), the film features Samuthirakani in the lead role with Thambi Ramaiah in a supporting role. Featuring music composed by Ilaiyaraaja, the film began production in late 2015 and released in July 2016.[1][2] The film released on July 1, 2016 to mixed reviews. The film was remade in Malayalam as Aakasamittayi (2017) with Jayaram.

Tamil speakers here gave the film mixed reviews.

I would clarify the mirror business.

but bold and very original.



bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 07:32 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Bernie

Appa is no film. Appa is my father, Amma is my mother. And this is my fictional memoir.

But thanks for all this information. Now maybe I will have time to watch that Malayalam movie one day.

Siva


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 07:38 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
B
What is the 'mirror business' that you speak of? I am talking about spectacles which were convex or concave. My German glasses were heavier than the Indian lenses and I was named 'soda bottle' because of that. I don't remember much about the clarity though.Except that I was proud flaunting foreign glasses.
S


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 11:06 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
I am talking
about spectacles
convex or concave.
My German glasses
heavier than Indian.

I was named 'soda bottle'
but the clarity I forget,
except that I was proud
flaunting foreign glasses.





this line made me think you were looking in a mirror.



bernie


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 12:44 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
B
All of you on this board go out of your way to partake in the group's poetry drafts.

Thank you
S


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 16:58 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1060
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
I stayed with her for two years,
she taught me how to examine
the material world;
measure and analyse objects.
To strive to be precise
like the focusing of a lens,
wavering lights became static,
liquids - solid.

She was to become my mirror image,
German lenses, convex and concave.

Valeria, Valeria . . .

She proposed I play the part of Satan
I gained confidence in that.

The class called her Valerika - cucumber.
Taught long division: use a bread knife,
don't forget to allocate a bit of chocolate
to the sweeper's daughter.

I kept a pocket note book
jotted down different phrases.

She made the Convent of the Holy Angels
real, encouraged me to forgive Adelaide
and Berthela; Sisters who always wanted
to report my failures to Appa.

It's clear I loved her and miss her even more.

Siva
Some ideas for you, reject or use
as you best determine.


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 Post subject: Re: Sister Valeria
PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 18:56 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 828
Frank

I am in the process of collecting ten extra poems for my manuscript. I have to submit it before the 20th. I am also hard pressed for time.Thank you for spending your time and effort.

S


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