New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 23:06 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
In the beginning he had no frame 
of progeny, no personal history.

Just a man, new-made, 
risen from mud, alone.

Glimpses of them in the underbrush,
foraging the tall grasses, tops of trees,

The sun blotted for a time with the thickness of wings,

the underbrush alive with their teaming,

Creatures like him insomuch 
that they moved, lived,
and breathed, but crawled or walked on four legs.

And yet they knew
to keep a distance.

At night he could hear their breathing, catch the glint of an eye caught in fire light.

At dusk he struck a fire for light,
the moon not being yet full, sat back
on his haunches beneath a tree and waited.

They came silently limb-to-limb and by air.
Some lumbered or crawled, walked 
by two's to present themselves to the man,

lay down at his feet
bent their necks
for fear had
not yet entered into the world. 

The man studied each face, probed it
with his fingers as a blind man does,
stroked muzzles, snouts, manes,scales
and tail in order to discern each 
creature's measure of the Divine.
He was moved by their beauty, their perfection.

He stood an pronounced its name,
strking the earth with a stick:

Thunders when walking 

Carries young on it's back

Runs in circles 

Drops down from above

Fire from its tongue

At first light, it was finished.
The man lay exhausted, thinking
perhaps he had failed, for he knew a sense
of forlorness that was alien.

Seeing that each creature had a mate,
He thought inwardly, "birds have nests,
foxes have holes, but the man
has no breast upon which to lay his head."
And he wept himself into a deep sleep.


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 23:21 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 654
I like the retelling of this naming of the beasts...many excellent lines...it's a big challenge what you're attempting....

he could hear their breathing, catch the glint of an eye caught in fire light


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PostPosted: 12 May 2018, 23:45 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
I know it's big. This is my second revision. It may just be flash fiction


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PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 00:01 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1060
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
It's the way I would put it forward.
I think it's poetry, not flash fiction.

I wouldn't change much, if anything at all.

Be careful with any revisions, quite marvellous.

The last S is Biblical
completes the poem,
prophetic.


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PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 05:44 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 709
Ken---


utterly stunning.


change nothing.


bernie


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PostPosted: 13 May 2018, 07:56 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
Thank you.


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PostPosted: 15 May 2018, 09:02 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1060
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Ken

You may wish to tinker with this:

Quote:
Just a man, new-made,
risen from mud, alone.


Not just a man, but a new, wonderfully made creation
made in the image of God, perfect and holy.

So maybe:

A man, risen from the mud,
alone, made in the image
of his maker.

A suggestion.


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PostPosted: 15 May 2018, 10:18 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 517
Frank, I'll think on it.

Thanks


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