New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

Poets, Writers, Author Salon Reviews, New York Pitch Conference, Algonkian Writer Conferences
It is currently 22 Jun 2018, 11:20

All times are UTC + 3 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Shady Lane
PostPosted: 31 May 2018, 20:27 
Offline

Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 62
Darkness slips
through rows of corn
onto a street
of small vinyl houses.

On the horizon
lights from the quarry,
warm dusty rose.

The night shift is deep
in ganister rock.

Dayworkers are home,
scrubbed clean
with green Lava
and watching TV.

A man in white boxers
steps onto his porch,
leans to the dark
like a factory watchman
and the sound of a mouse.

The air lingers hot,
windows are open.
His neighbors, after drinking
all day, argue about ice.

Mosquitos bore into
his shoulders and calves.
He steps back inside,
a gps bracelet
tight round his ankle.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Shady Lane
PostPosted: 31 May 2018, 23:34 
Offline

Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 700
As always, nice writing...I often think of Levine when I read your poems...

I especially appreciated these lines:

lights from the quarry,
warm dusty rose

The unexpected ending was a nice surprise


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Shady Lane
PostPosted: 01 Jun 2018, 00:28 
Offline

Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 752
I:----

maintained tone, wonderful.

so original this comment:

The night shift is deep
in ganister rock.


and this reference:

...scrubbed clean
with green Lava
and watching TV.


very much liked this image:

A man in white boxers
steps onto his porch,
leans to the dark
like a factory watchman
and the sound of a mouse.


maybe one more personal detail before the poem says goodbye.

now, is that gps bracelet enough to fix his situation?

yes.

but a metal walker could be introduced in passing earlier in the poem....dunno...


sure like this poem.



bernie


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Shady Lane
PostPosted: 01 Jun 2018, 01:52 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 566
Stark. There is an abundance of life the guy can't be involved in.Unless the ankle bracelet indicates something else, he's a felon on house arrest like Bill Cosby


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Shady Lane
PostPosted: 01 Jun 2018, 10:22 
Offline

Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1121
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Yes, felon makes sense.
Wonder why you capitalised lava
how do you know soap is made from lava. :)

Vinyl houses is strange, I suppose you mean
houses with floors covered in vinyl, or cheap flooring.

Are the neighbours arguing about ice, why ice in particular,
it that an American thing, maybe lice, but that is odder.
Drunks normally argue over nothing in particular they
just vent nastiness out of pure spite, they don't have to
have a reason

It's maybe a crime to wear white boxer shorts,
especially in public. He seems a bad character indeed.

Maybe GPS should be capitalised as it is an acronym
and as it has no vowels and hence does not make
it self into a word. Radar was capitalised at one time
and now is so much into the lexicon complete with
vowels and generally accepted as a word.

Quote:
The air lingers hot,

This line stands out for its awkwardness, sorry to say.

Could nightshift be one word?

I did like this couplet:
Quote:
The nightshift deep
in ganister rock.


I think this line needs reworking:
Quote:
lights from the quarry,
warm dusty rose.


Does it mean 'lights rise from the warm dusty quarry'
or
'lights from the quarry a warm dusty rose.'

I nice working class cameo on a mining village although
mining and quarrying don't necessarily go together in my
experience, it is one or the other, open cast mining or deep
pit mining the alternative is a drift mine called colliery.

Very good to see you here workshopping Dale.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Shady Lane
PostPosted: 01 Jun 2018, 14:24 
Offline

Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 62
Thanks to all, this one is in its infancy.

Frank, Lava is a brand name. I meant lights rise, but left it to the reader to connect the dots.
Yes capitals on GPS. I was actually going to say argue about nothing but felt some detail would be better.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 

All times are UTC + 3 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group