Shady Lane

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IndianaDP
Posts: 139
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Shady Lane

#1 Post by IndianaDP » 31 May 2018, 20:27

Darkness slips
through rows of corn
onto a street
of small vinyl houses.

On the horizon
lights from the quarry,
warm dusty rose.

The night shift is deep
in ganister rock.

Dayworkers are home,
scrubbed clean
with green Lava
and watching TV.

A man in white boxers
steps onto his porch,
leans to the dark
like a factory watchman
and the sound of a mouse.

The air lingers hot,
windows are open.
His neighbors, after drinking
all day, argue about ice.

Mosquitos bore into
his shoulders and calves.
He steps back inside,
a gps bracelet
tight round his ankle.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 889
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Shady Lane

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 31 May 2018, 23:34

As always, nice writing...I often think of Levine when I read your poems...

I especially appreciated these lines:

lights from the quarry,
warm dusty rose

The unexpected ending was a nice surprise

Bernie01
Posts: 780
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Shady Lane

#3 Post by Bernie01 » 01 Jun 2018, 00:28

I:----

maintained tone, wonderful.

so original this comment:

The night shift is deep
in ganister rock.


and this reference:

...scrubbed clean
with green Lava
and watching TV.


very much liked this image:

A man in white boxers
steps onto his porch,
leans to the dark
like a factory watchman
and the sound of a mouse.


maybe one more personal detail before the poem says goodbye.

now, is that gps bracelet enough to fix his situation?

yes.

but a metal walker could be introduced in passing earlier in the poem....dunno...


sure like this poem.



bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 732
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Shady Lane

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 01 Jun 2018, 01:52

Stark. There is an abundance of life the guy can't be involved in.Unless the ankle bracelet indicates something else, he's a felon on house arrest like Bill Cosby

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1263
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Shady Lane

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 Jun 2018, 10:22

Yes, felon makes sense.
Wonder why you capitalised lava
how do you know soap is made from lava. :)

Vinyl houses is strange, I suppose you mean
houses with floors covered in vinyl, or cheap flooring.

Are the neighbours arguing about ice, why ice in particular,
it that an American thing, maybe lice, but that is odder.
Drunks normally argue over nothing in particular they
just vent nastiness out of pure spite, they don't have to
have a reason

It's maybe a crime to wear white boxer shorts,
especially in public. He seems a bad character indeed.

Maybe GPS should be capitalised as it is an acronym
and as it has no vowels and hence does not make
it self into a word. Radar was capitalised at one time
and now is so much into the lexicon complete with
vowels and generally accepted as a word.
The air lingers hot,
This line stands out for its awkwardness, sorry to say.

Could nightshift be one word?

I did like this couplet:
The nightshift deep
in ganister rock.
I think this line needs reworking:
lights from the quarry,
warm dusty rose.
Does it mean 'lights rise from the warm dusty quarry'
or
'lights from the quarry a warm dusty rose.'

I nice working class cameo on a mining village although
mining and quarrying don't necessarily go together in my
experience, it is one or the other, open cast mining or deep
pit mining the alternative is a drift mine called colliery.

Very good to see you here workshopping Dale.

IndianaDP
Posts: 139
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Shady Lane

#6 Post by IndianaDP » 01 Jun 2018, 14:24

Thanks to all, this one is in its infancy.

Frank, Lava is a brand name. I meant lights rise, but left it to the reader to connect the dots.
Yes capitals on GPS. I was actually going to say argue about nothing but felt some detail would be better.

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