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PostPosted: 05 Jun 2018, 01:20 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Revision (2)

And now
sad to say
it is too short
we are left wanting prose....Frank


OK, Frank, here's more...bernie



Burrows of wind push his cigarette smoke
up to ocean cliff diners gathered to parse
grilled mussel.

They order bass under rippled umbrellas
and flags from catch of the day specials.
A John Bosco like figure, a chef in white,
passes among the parishioners,
he speaks and touches diners like the smoker
and his late wife, passes ice cold vodka stingers
tasty on flush, reddened lips.

The surf purrs at the smoker's feet
like a small animal, a watery cusp of empty salt
over distant bathers cloudy and soundless.

The flat smash of waves rolled from distant ports,
forlorn like Bach's piece for unaccompanied cello.*

A petrol lamp lowers, the sand darkens
and a solitary cigarette lights the beach.



*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCicM6i59_I


Revision (1)

Faced into the blue dregs of wind
And the cries of distant swimmers.

The surf purring at his feet
like a small animal.


The flat smash of waves like the edge
of Bach's piece for unaccompanied cello.

The cusp of a watery grace.

A petrol lamp lowers, the sand darkens
and a solitary cigarette lights the beach.










Original

Faced into the blue dregs of wind
And the cries of naked swimmers
Calling oaths from the distance.

He feels the surf
against his bare feet purring
Like a small animal.


The resolution of ocean water
Holds him on the edge of stillness
to fall back in sweet abeyance.

Gathered up over sea air,
the abounding waves smash
On the cusp of watery grace.


The sun grows dark
like an extinguished petrol lamp
and loss fills the solitary smoker.





THE SEA IS HIGH again today, with a thrilling flush of wind. In the midst of winter you can feel the inventions of spring. A sky of hot nude pearl until midday, crickets in sheltered places, and now the wind unpacking the great planes, ransacking the great planes…. From the Alexandria Quartet by Durrell.


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PostPosted: 05 Jun 2018, 21:54 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 783
The closing stanza is good


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PostPosted: 05 Jun 2018, 22:28 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1347
Hi Bernie

save "solitary" for the last; thus title would be:

Man Smoking a Cigarette at the Beach


I like the close , too; and I'm sharing 2 workshop variations:

The sun dims
like an extinguished petrol lamp
and loss fills the solitary smoker.


The sun dims
like an extinguished petrol lamp
and loss fills the lungs
of the solitary smoker.


If the italicised is subject to workshop, then

He feels the surf
against his bare feet purring
like a small animal.


as

He feels the surf
slink against his bare feet
and purring Like a small pet.


Micahel (MV)


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PostPosted: 06 Jun 2018, 18:36 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1212
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Blue dregs of a warm wind
cries of naked bathers
oaths waft from the distance.

the surf
against his bare feet purring
like a small animal.

ocean water holds on the edge of stillness
to fall back in sweet abeyance.

sea air,
abounding waves smash
watery grace.

The sun grows dark, dips below
the horizon, swallowed up by the dark
an extinguished lamp
the flick of a zipper
the smell of petrol
sense of loss fills
the solitary smoker.

Sorry Bernie
couldn't resist
messing with your pom.

best


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PostPosted: 06 Jun 2018, 21:46 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Bob---

hope the revision makes the close more immediate and natural.

thanks for your comment.


M---

yes, saving the word solitary for the close. made that change.

i imagine the lines in italics as being centered.

you wrote:

He feels the surf
slink against his bare feet
and purring Like a small pet.


thanks, but i don't cotton to the word slink---funny, isn't it? what hits us as OK or not quite right. i ask about the other adjectives, or mood of the poem, i thought, i felt the word purring.

thanks for these extended comments.


Frank---


i offer the Durrell quote as my heartfelt language, so original without being bizarre.


thanks to you and all for commenting.



bernie


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PostPosted: 08 Jun 2018, 00:13 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 622
I like it. There is a talent of compression while being at the same time so full


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PostPosted: 08 Jun 2018, 19:05 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1212
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
And now
sad to say
it is too short
we are left wanting prose.


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PostPosted: 13 Jun 2018, 21:46 
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Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Revision (2)

And now
sad to say
it is too short
we are left wanting prose....Frank


OK, Frank, here's more...bernie


His cigarette smoke is pushed softly
by burrows of wind to ocean cliff diners
gathered to parse grilled mussel,
they order bass under rippled umbrellas
and flags, among orders for a catch of the day
where a chef in white, a John Bosco figure,
passes among the parishioners,
he speaks and touches diners like the smoker
and his late wife, passes ice cold vodka stingers
tasty on flush, reddened lips.

The surf purrs at the smoker's feet
like a small animal, a watery cusp of empty salt
over distant bathers cloudy and soundless.

The flat smash of waves rolled from distant ports,
distant ports forlorn like the island of Bach's piece
for unaccompanied cello.*

A petrol lamp lowers, the sand darkens
and a solitary cigarette lights the beach.



*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwHpDOWhkGk


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PostPosted: 14 Jun 2018, 01:20 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1212
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
You painted the picture Bernie
Your choice, all good I think.


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