New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

Poets, Writers, Author Salon Reviews, New York Pitch Conference, Algonkian Writer Conferences
It is currently 16 Aug 2018, 06:49

All times are UTC + 3 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 10 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: 08 Jun 2018, 00:00 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 622
Nurses wash you with long hair
trailing over ribs and rigging,
faint blue outline
of a Spanish tri-master
on custard colored skin.

In the Liberation of '44
you sailed the Champs Ellysees
with the swagger of conquest.

Women jostled to be first
to touch your face,
kiss your hand,
litter your path with flowers.

Now you've pissed yourself again.

I give my name to the night clerk,
fresh bed clothes to orderlies.

I side-step through piles
of soiled linen.

The fetid air masks
two shots and a beer
it takes just to be the last
of your sons to come.

I have the combat boots
You bought me as a kid,
black as a German night.
I place them under your bed
and know I'll never come again.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 08 Jun 2018, 09:19 
Offline

Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 783
I like this a lot, especially the last 2 stanzas. A moving, tough poem


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 08 Jun 2018, 18:19 
Offline

Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 881
Nurses wash you
with long hair trailing over ribs
and rigging,faint blue outline
of a Spanish tri-master
on custard colored skin.

The whole poem is very nicely brought out with apt words.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 11 Jun 2018, 14:52 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 622
Bob, Siva thank you


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 14 Jun 2018, 10:54 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: 08 Aug 2016, 18:19
Posts: 12
Location: California
Beautifully written!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 14 Jun 2018, 14:12 
Offline

Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1212
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Nurses wash your long hair,
it trails over ribs, rigging
a faint blue outline,
a Spanish tri-master,
custard colored skin.

In the Liberation of '44
you sailed the Champs Ellysees
with the swagger of conquest.

Women jostled to
to touch your face,
kiss your hand,
your path littered with flowers,
not all they had to offer,
but nearly.

You've pissed yourself again.

Ken, a suggestion above to shorten
a tad, your choice. You tend like me
to wordiness on first draft.
Enjoyed.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 14 Jun 2018, 15:40 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 622
Eric. Frank. Thank you


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 14 Jun 2018, 15:44 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 622
Shortened


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 14 Jun 2018, 19:13 
Offline

Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14
Posts: 780
Kenneth:

This poem never forgets to introduce plot.

the idea, in the title and last verse, that a tension exists between son and father---the reasons are not given, good. not needed.

the poem is almost savage in its building and compilation of facts, history and mood.

a great triumph here, a memorable poem, both vivid and incisive.



bernie


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: 15 Jun 2018, 02:38 
Offline

Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 622
Thank you Bernie. I am in your debt for this poem.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 10 posts ] 

All times are UTC + 3 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group