New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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 Post subject: Flight
PostPosted: 08 Jun 2018, 22:21 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 700
Flight


At five years old you flew around the park
with your wingspan

of chubby arms, your bones
apparently as light as birds’.

I watched as skeptical as a crow,
and then picked you up,

settling you onto the perch
of my shoulders. Quickly

you transformed into a stuttering machine gun
of a WWI dogfight.

And now you’re setting off
to college, nodding goodbye

to your parents. You walk up
the ramp and vanish,

former decorated war pilot,
looking to add to your resume,

as we stand at the airport glass
and watch your plane’s lift

into clouds, another
child’s inevitable
flight.


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 Post subject: Re: Flight
PostPosted: 09 Jun 2018, 00:44 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 566
Moving. I suggest using WWI instead of writing it out. Also suggest adding a gonna after three, or saying three years old. I was confused if you might have meant 3 o'clock. Minor nit.

The rest really comes together. A poignant take of growing up, leaving home


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 Post subject: Re: Flight
PostPosted: 09 Jun 2018, 00:47 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 700
Thx, Ken...I have made your suggested changes


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 Post subject: Re: Flight
PostPosted: 09 Jun 2018, 01:24 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 566
Nice work Bob.


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 Post subject: Re: Flight
PostPosted: 09 Jun 2018, 09:23 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1121
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
I like the transition of a small boy
playing, practising life
and the last line where
he achieves his dream.
Let it be and go on forever.


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