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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Removed - Moved

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jul 2018, 21:04

Removed poem

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Christmas in Wales

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 26 Jul 2018, 14:11

Pom elevated

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: At Christmas - revised

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 18 Aug 2018, 11:49

Poem revised.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 783
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: At Christmas - revised

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 Aug 2018, 19:19

The first six lines are not on par with thr exquisite and delicious detail of rebalance of the poem. There are many exotic and unexpected images here, so that I think one or two lines depicting the ravages of the weathe
*before* the swallowa and red dust,
would advance the poem.

Difficult to make a poem on a topic covered millions of times, interesting.
You succeed with fresh imagery.

I might question the lamb, and love shed as being more Easter than Christmas and possibly trade them for a reference to ths birth celebrated

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: At Christmas - revised

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Aug 2018, 20:57

You do have some nice imagery, as in the first stanza

Lead pipes would burst at the first drop
in temperature, whereas when Simoom blew
nineteen hundred miles the town awoke
to a covering of red dust and the sound
of tens of thousands of swallows.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Christmas - revised

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Aug 2018, 03:35

Thank you very much,

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Christmas in Wales [Revision 3]

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 24 Aug 2018, 12:59

thanks for the comments.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Christmas in Wales [Revision 3]

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Aug 2018, 20:34

I like this shortened version. I esp. love the "swallows and swifts piping". There is a stray "e" in the first stanza, at the end of a line:

floods e

Enjoyed...Bob

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Christmas in Wales

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 14 Sep 2018, 21:34

My final version

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