New York Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry

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 Post subject: Drones
PostPosted: 24 Jul 2018, 10:16 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Drones


Stout drones bull their way
through the hive, pushing us

out of their way as they take
to the air, where they meander

towards a males-only
club.

Having toiled in the fields,
our pollen baskets heavy,

we ply our way home,
weary,

but the drones, hungry,
are already there, demanding

we feed them.
One, taking my slowness

for insolence, bumps
against my hind leg, spilling

my pollen. My sisters back off
as he moves closer, towering

over me. I tremble like torn wings
in winter's first wind,

but then he turns his back,
moves slowly off, my sisters

preoccupied, my pride
stung.


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 25 Jul 2018, 21:44 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
Good.


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 29 Jul 2018, 22:15 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Thx


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 30 Jul 2018, 19:45 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 881
It has come out very well.

S


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 31 Jul 2018, 01:35 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1348
 
Hi Bob,


workshop illustrated for 3 areas:
 

1/
Stout drones bull their way
through the hive, pushing us

out of their way as they take
to the air, where they meander

towards a males-only club.



2/
we ply our way
home, weary,



3a/
but then he turns his back,
moves slowly off,

my sisters preoccupied,
my pride stung.


3b/ (actually more recommended than 3a, b/c the loner line echoes back to the earlier suggested loner line - towards a males-only club. - in 1)

but then he turns his back,
moves slowly off, my sisters

preoccupied, my pride stung.



These are, of course, unconditional

just in the spirit of workshop sharing

8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 31 Jul 2018, 05:37 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Thx, Michael...I like your first suggestion and have changed the opening line.


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 01 Aug 2018, 09:33 
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Joined: 05 Jan 2006, 02:13
Posts: 3
Getting hung up on this part:

"One, taking my slowness

for insolence, bumps
against my hind leg, spilling

my pollen."

I am getting caught up in who spills the pollen. I feel that the narrator spills the pollen, though "one" is the cause of it. I think I am annoyed by this, because otherwise I enjoy the poem.

could be as simple as

"against my hind leg, I spill
my pollen"

but in this case, I want a stronger word than "bump".

"for insolence, (some options- thumps, rams, charges, whips(i prefer this), etc)"


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 03 Aug 2018, 01:11 
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Joined: 03 Aug 2018, 01:06
Posts: 2
Hi Bob. I just registered here. I think this is good. I love the use of "bull" and for a second I saw flying bulls and it wasn't silly. Great characterization of the drone. Using drones and laborers here is brilliant imo.


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 03 Aug 2018, 19:14 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Hi Bob, it’s fun to become a bee in the hive, nicely done.


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 Post subject: Re: Drones
PostPosted: 05 Aug 2018, 02:12 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Cormack, thx for commenting

John, Dale — so glad you enjoyed this


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