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PostPosted: 03 Aug 2018, 19:21 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
2nd Revision-

Cast Iron

My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
hang on a hook, obscuring
a somber grey scarf
worn by my father.

Black beans and onions
simmer in a pot,
corn bread is covered
with a red gingham towel.

Steam fogs the stove clock.
Time is an uncertain song,
a monotone a grief
consuming my patience.

I turn off the news,
discard a long held belief
that most men are good.

Dishes stacked in the sink
are a memorial of stones
in a flood of warm suds.

The kitchen door closes
behind me, a new fallen snow
is a delicate sheet for my eyes,
father’s itchy wool scarf
is turned around my neck.

Revision-
dale patterson
Posts 2,276
Member
06 Aug 2018 13:16 #1

My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
hang on a caste iron hook
obscuring a somber grey scarf.

My wife stirs a pot
of black beans and onions,
covers hot corn bread
with a red gingham towel.

Grief is a monotone song
consuming my patience.

I’ve discarded a long held belief
that most men are good.

Dishes are stacked in the sink,
a memorial of stones
in a flood of warm suds.

The new fallen snow
is a delicate sheet for my eyes.
An itchy wool scarf
is turned around my neck.


Original-
Death’s itchy wool scarf
hangs on a cast iron hook.
My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
cover it up.

My wife stirs a pot
of red beans and onions,
a square pan corn bread
cools beneath
a white cotton towel.

I have lost all my patience
for watching the news
and discarded a long held belief
that most men are good.

Grease is a film
on the kitchen wall clock.
Time is uncertain.

Our dishes are piled in the sink.
My wife is asleep in a chair
as I go for a walk.

This time of year
the weather is cold.
My scarf is wrapped around my neck,
a thin sheet of snow obscures the ground.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 04 Aug 2018, 19:31 
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30
Posts: 881
IndiananaDP

I like the way you begin.Pat Death


Death’s itchy wool scarf
hangs on a cast iron hook.

and the way you end

My scarf is wrapped around my neck,
a thin sheet of snow obscures the ground.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 04 Aug 2018, 21:28 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Good poem... remove these 2 lines since the closing 2 lines tell us it’s cold...

This time of year
the weather is cold.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 04 Aug 2018, 23:39 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
Dale. In my opinion, the heart of the poem is S3. The naivetee and optimism of youth yields to the bitter pragmatism of a life long lived.

I like the simple language, the domesticity of the poem.

But as much as the first and last stanza "tie it all together", I object to use of "Death" as overused in the realm of poetry.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 06 Aug 2018, 02:16 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Thanks Siva- I am indeed looking to reintroduce the beginning into the end.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 06 Aug 2018, 02:17 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Good call Bob, I am working on revisions and hope to post them in a few days.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 06 Aug 2018, 02:20 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Yes indeed Ken, I agree, I’m trying to show how aging people grow tired of fighting the battle, how optimism turns to pessimism, yet they are at peace with it.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 06 Aug 2018, 20:23 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1348
 
Hi Dale,

in the subtext of your title, my inner ear hears last supper - enriching to my read


"Death's" is too heavy

The itchy wool scarf
hangs on a cast iron hook

^^ Understated & sufficient


I like/admire the way the middle 2 stanzas shirts the editorial


I'm in accord w/ Bob re those 2 lines in the last stanza.


However, the 1st line of that closing couplet - "My scarf is wrapped around my neck," - as is, could read malevolent/suicidal.


my workshop-share  

My scarf warms my neck,
a thin sheet of snow obscures the ground.

or

my scarf gives my neck a warm hug

my scarf lends my neck a warm hug


^^ a little more Christopher Robinson
who, too, grew old
but not weary     :)



Jane Kenyon's poems "Otherwise" & "Let evening come" surface with reading your poem.


There comes a time - a right time - when earth no longer does it for us - we no longer belong here - we out-evolve this world, which is not the Lord's
kingdom, which is where we go.

Not DOA; instead forever AoA - Alive on Arrival

dying is not death - dying is an unburial - into Your hands, I commend my Spirit

not a tragedy - the ultimate exodus - liberation

we don't take a last breath - the Vision of Heaven so Wonderful, the Lord takes our breath away


and There
never a winter
always a Wonder


8)

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
   
 


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 06 Aug 2018, 20:48 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Thanks Michael, I am posting a revision above that may address some of the issues.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 09 Aug 2018, 09:02 
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Posts: 627
Dale Good revision


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 09 Aug 2018, 10:30 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Yes, better...


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 10 Aug 2018, 10:49 
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Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Posts: 1212
Location: Between the mountains and the sea
Interesting work Dale, I've seen it elsewhere, but decided
to comment in detail here.

I liked elements of the first version
but also recognise improvement in some strophes.

The poem is about death of course and grief.
Michael may be right that 'death' in the first line
of the original is too much, for some readers
it may be needed.

L1-Do people in North America actually wear
goose feathered coats, and colour yellow?

Some might say too many modiiers in s1, but I like
descriptive passages and you enter them for a reason.

You spell cast as caste, you mean cast iron of course.

Modified S1 is preferable to the original s1.
prefer my somber grey . . .

2nd strophe leads us innocently into the details
of domesticity, we are happy up to now.

And then the heart of the poem shows, I think two brilliant lines

Quote:
Grief is a monotone song
consuming my patience.


Prefer you blend the two lines after this
as they go together in my op.

I liked the next quote, but agree it doesn't fit the poem
not in a meaningful way, but brilliant lines.

Quote:
Grease is a film
on the kitchen wall clock.
Time is uncertain.


And time used with clock leads us to think
it is running out for us all.

The next quote speaks about dishes
and then refers to memorial stones
which I think is very clever.
Maybe change to:
Dishes stacked in the sink,
memorial stones (of a meal enjoyed)
soak in a flood of warm suds.

Quote:
Dishes are stacked in the sink,
a memorial of stones
in a flood of warm suds.


Maybe for the next strophe:

A covering of newly fallen snow,
shrouds my eyes,
the itch of my wool scarf
reminds me I'm alive.

Quote:
The new fallen snow
is a delicate sheet for my eyes.
An itchy wool scarf
is turned around my neck.


I don't feel the scarf is in danger of suggesting suicide.

Very good poem, understated but effective
mataphors leads us inescapably to think
about death and grief.

The details of kitchen, warmth, wife,
home in conrast to the finality of death.

Best wishes
definitely an IBPC contender


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 10 Aug 2018, 17:35 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Hi Frank, thanks for your crit.

I did battle with the word death, opting at first to go against my gut and for the sake of the reader include it, but after Michaels push deciding to cut it.

The goose down coat for me is a symbol of time passed. In the 1980’s I owned such a coat, so having still hanging around seemed important to the story, it hides the scarf a symbol for death.

You may be correct about the. Clock, I’ll consider bringing it. Back.

The dishes as a memorial of stones for me refers to when the Israelites crossed the Jordan river and Joshua then built an alter of stones. Of course crossing the Jordan often used as a description of passage.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 10 Aug 2018, 18:06 
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Posts: 785
Dale, bring back death by making the associations more personal... tie the clothing to a dead father or uncle, perhaps.


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 Post subject: Re: After Dinner
PostPosted: 11 Aug 2018, 21:48 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Thanks Bob, that may be a good solution.


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PostPosted: 13 Aug 2018, 02:34 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
New revision, hopefully getting closer.


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PostPosted: 13 Aug 2018, 19:40 
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Posts: 1348
 
Hi Dale,


workshop-sharing re-aligning (and punctuation) in these 3 passages:


My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
hang on a hook, obscuring
a somber grey scarf
worn by my father.

^^ and eliminating "once"


I turn off the news,
discard a long held belief
that most men are good.


The kitchen door closes
behind me. A new fallen snow
is a delicate sheet for my eyes.
The itchy wool scarf
is now around my neck.

^^ and an workshop alternative for the last 2 lines



workshop share for this stanza 3:

Steam cataracts the stove clock.
Time is an uncertain monotone,
a grief that consumes
all my patience.



8)

Michael (MV)



IndianaDP wrote:
2nd Revision-

Cast Iron

My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
hang on a hook
obscuring
a somber grey scarf
once worn by my father.

Black beans and onions
simmer in a pot,
corn bread is covered
with a red gingham towel.

Steam fogs the stove clock.
Time is uncertain,
a monotone song,
a grief that consumes
all my patience.

I turn off the news,
discard
a long held belief
that most men are good.

Dishes are stacked in the sink,
a memorial of stones
in a flood of warm suds.

The kitchen door closes
behind me,
a new fallen snow
is a delicate sheet for my eyes,
my itchy wool scarf
is turned around my neck.

Revision-
dale patterson
Posts 2,276
Member
06 Aug 2018 13:16 #1

My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
hang on a caste iron hook
obscuring a somber grey scarf.

My wife stirs a pot
of black beans and onions,
covers hot corn bread
with a red gingham towel.

Grief is a monotone song
consuming my patience.

I’ve discarded a long held belief
that most men are good.

Dishes are stacked in the sink,
a memorial of stones
in a flood of warm suds.

The new fallen snow
is a delicate sheet for my eyes.
An itchy wool scarf
is turned around my neck.


Original-
Death’s itchy wool scarf
hangs on a cast iron hook.
My orange goose down coat
and loose fitting ball cap
cover it up.

My wife stirs a pot
of red beans and onions,
a square pan corn bread
cools beneath
a white cotton towel.

I have lost all my patience
for watching the news
and discarded a long held belief
that most men are good.

Grease is a film
on the kitchen wall clock.
Time is uncertain.

Our dishes are piled in the sink.
My wife is asleep in a chair
as I go for a walk.

This time of year
the weather is cold.
My scarf is wrapped around my neck,
a thin sheet of snow obscures the ground.


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PostPosted: 16 Aug 2018, 02:55 
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53
Posts: 87
Thanks Michael, I’ve incorporated some of your suggestions.


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