Speaking Babylonian

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
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Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Speaking Babylonian

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Sep 2018, 06:03

We count noses,
toes and fingers.
One little, two little,
this little piggy
went to market.

My grandson, blood
of my blood's blood.

On the carpet, a fat,
little Buddha

proud as an Emporer
in the noon day sun.

In obeisance, I am all-foured
in the day room.

He pulls my hair and ears,
pats my back gently

tries to say "good boy."
His gibberish is canonical.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Sep 2018, 08:54

Sweet, delightful...charming without ever being sentimental. Kudos

Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Sep 2018, 10:09

Thangs Bob. Any thought on improving it?

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Sep 2018, 20:30

I liked the first version better...I don’t like “unintelligible little alien”.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Sep 2018, 20:32

The Close to holiness line is too much of a stretch for me...it’s a terrific poem...don’t overwork it

Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Sep 2018, 21:34

Ok
Thank you

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Sep 2018, 00:46

I agree, very personal, very human.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Speaking Babylonian

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Sep 2018, 12:33

Tweaked

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