Ode to Ties

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Ode to Ties

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Sep 2018, 21:14

Ode to Ties


On days like this teenage boys
often give us the finger.
Why? Because we drive slowly?

Or because we boast about our past
as if it were the only casino
in Atlantic City?

For us respect doesn't come
from jeering at the old,
from smoking the biggest toke

or from drinking alcohol
that could leave a liver
spotted like a trout.

We come from a time
when a necktie and a good job
meant something.

When those we looked up to
never went anywhere without them:
Jack Benny, Dick Gregory,

and the Blues Brothers as loyal
to their ties as George Burns
was to his cigar.

Bow ties accompanied us to weddings,
somber blue ties mourned our losses,
gold and silks swung with us in Vegas.

Yet today ties hang sadly
in closets, martyrs to moths
like their peers--the Italian suits,

the tuxedos, the dapper hats.
Who will sing our eulogy
when our last tie is lost?

Kenneth2816
Posts: 686
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Ode to Ties

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Sep 2018, 22:26

Technically a good poem and good concept.

Our best ties accompanied us to weddings,
respectful ties mourned our losses,
flashy ties swung with us in Vegas.

Here I might give the color of a tie, striped or solid, etc.instead of using
"best" "respectful" "flashy". Show don't tell. Give a visual.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1249
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Ode to Ties

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Sep 2018, 22:33

Yes, there was an age of ties,
I remember meeting a rep, and he had tiny flowers on his tie
sewn on, and I thought how daring this guy must be.

Liked it, Ken made some valid comments.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ode to Ties

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 05 Sep 2018, 10:02

Thanks, guys...I have tweaked the lines you referred to....

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1372
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Ode to Ties

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 06 Sep 2018, 05:20

 
Hi Bob, 


à la Neruda's elemental odes

and ties are as elemental as original sin


This poem narrates with the voice of George Burns, and that's how & why the extended intro succeeds in engaging the reader

yet workshop consider some streamlining:

On days like this youngbloods
often give us the finger.
Because we drive slowly?

Because we boast about our past
as if it were the only casino
in Atlantic City?      (btw, a fav - George would like it too)

For us respect doesn't come
from jeering at the old,
from smoking the biggest toke

or drinking alcohol
that could leave a liver
spotted like a trout.       (and another fav à la Burns)


Then the roster of old-school icons grom the "age of ties" brings character, making the memory vivid, esp George & his cigars


Strategic use of rhetorical question-couplet, bringing the good-humored nostalgic poem to a profound finale,
while this outro also circles/links back to the questions in the intro


8)

Michael (MV)

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1372
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Ode to Ties

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 06 Sep 2018, 05:27

 
chiming in --

Bow ties accompanied us to weddings,
somber blue ties mourned our losses,
the gold and silks swung with us in Vegas

^^ so as not to repeat "ties" a 3rd time


in the spirit of workshop-share

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw wrote:
05 Sep 2018, 10:02
Thanks, guys...I have tweaked the lines you referred to....
 
 
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ode to Ties

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Sep 2018, 06:58

Thanks, Michael...I like your suggestions...I'll fold them in when I have some time...Bob

BobBradshaw
Posts: 843
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ode to Ties

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Sep 2018, 21:49

tweaked

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