Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1304
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (revision 2)

#26 Post by FranktheFrank » 08 Jan 2019, 02:27

Sprectrum is the Welsh word
for spectrum? :)

capricorn
Posts: 141
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (revision 2)

#27 Post by capricorn » 08 Jan 2019, 03:51

BobBradshaw wrote:
07 Jan 2019, 04:28
The first 3 stanzas are choppy, and should be your focus in your next revision. However, I love the rest of your poem! Gorgeous writing from S4 on...I like the rhythm you have here, and the humor really shines.

Thanks Bob. you have confirmed what I thought - the beginning is a bit 'flat'. So glad you like the rest. I have rewritten the first 3 stanzas, hoping it is an improvement - I'm getting there! :D

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 141
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (revision 2)

#28 Post by capricorn » 08 Jan 2019, 03:59

FranktheFrank wrote:
08 Jan 2019, 02:27
Sprectrum is the Welsh word
for spectrum? :)
It must be the Welsh in me Frank :D

I hadn't noticed I'd written it that way - don't think anyone else did either, except you.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 957
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)

#29 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jan 2019, 22:03

This is much better, especially that opening stanza. Excellent revision....

BobBradshaw
Posts: 957
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)

#30 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Jan 2019, 00:03

just one suggestion...add a comma at the end of the first line

capricorn
Posts: 141
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)

#31 Post by capricorn » 16 Jan 2019, 03:09

BobBradshaw wrote:
15 Jan 2019, 00:03
just one suggestion...add a comma at the end of the first line
Thanks Bob, I'll do that now.

Eira

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