Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Dec 2018, 17:01

Agaram Swamiji told us God stories
even as this Ammaji with a quarter anna size kumkum
and spread out hair gave darshan from the first floor.
My Appa took me to this lady but I could not prostrate
nor could I call her Ammaji –only my mother.
Was she a do-gooder for the family?
She would pinch and take up kumkum between fingers
apply it on the foreheads of men.

''Wipe it away, Daddy!’’.
I like to see you with a dash of holy ash
all with the three fingers
like the three stripes on a squirrel’s back.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and Amma Swamiji

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Dec 2018, 17:13

Agaram Swamiji told us God stories
even as this Ammaji with a quarter anna size kumkum,
spread-out hair gave darshan from the first floor.
My Appa took me to this sanyasin but I did not prostrate
nor could I call her Ammaji –only my mother.
Was she a do-gooder for the family?
She would pinch and take up kumkum between fingers
apply it on the foreheads of men.

''Wipe it away, Daddy!’’.
I like to see you with a dash of holy ash
all with the three fingers
like the three stripes on a squirrel’s back.
No Kumkum.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Dec 2018, 17:15

Agaram Swamiji told us God stories
even as this Ammaji with a quarter anna size kumkum,
spread-out hair gave darshan from the first floor.
My Appa took me to this sanyasin but I did not prostrate
nor could I call her Ammaji –only my mother.
Was she a do-gooder for the family?
She would pinch and take up kumkum between fingers
apply it on the foreheads of men.

''Wipe it away, Daddy!’’.
I like to see you with a dash of holy ash
all with the three fingers
like the three stripes on a squirrel’s back.
No Kumkum.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Dec 2018, 20:08

Poor expression of thought process in this

nor could I call her Ammaji –only my mother.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1051
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Dec 2018, 21:36

I like the first stanza a lot... the Indian names give a nice feel to the piece... I would like to see this stanza lead to other stanzas about the people here and how they relate to each other.

The squirrel image doesn’t work for me... an odd image to end on

Again, S1 is well written, and I hope to read more

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 18 Dec 2018, 23:51

Thanks Bob. This will be a link in my memoir. Your feedback is useful.I was trying to sound funny with the squirrel image,but obviously it falls flat.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Appa Took Me to the Village Nearby Called Agaram In a Black and Yellow Taxi To Meet A Sanyasini.

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Dec 2018, 22:05

That same Swami Thatha who stayed in Vatsala’s house
who fed us with morsels of epics, came from Agaram. I
did not know there was a Mata-Sanyasini ,and if Swami
jis didn’t marry, then who was she with a quarter-anna
size pottu and out-spread hair, giving Darshan from
the first floor balcony?

Appa took me to the village nearby called Agaram
in a black and yellow taxi to meet a Sanyasini,
but I could not prostrate to this ‘Divine lady’
nor could I call her Ammaji –only my mother
was Amma to me Was she a do-gooder
for our family, or for the taxi driver’s family?

She pinched kumkum between her fingers
applied it on the forehead with a slight pressure
dotting the holy ash, in the centre -there were
more and more men than women, and no children.

''Wipe it away, Daddy.'' I like to see you with a dash
of holy ash, all of the three stripes only, be a man;
with the marks on a squirrel's back and no Kumkum
like a woman, we have no need to worry, Amma
will not be angry, at the most she might laugh at you
and Rama Subbu Mama, the taxi driver, saying
’ Does this Kumkum come for free like her smile
all of her white teeth, all in a pretty row?'' .

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1051
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Dec 2018, 22:33

I like this much better....i like the warm ending as well....a small nit...I don't like the line breaks in S1...don't end a line with "I" or "from". End lines on a natural break or what could be used for a natural break(you don't need to pause at the end of every line when reading aloud).

Just from my own curiosity, why are there more men than women? This is not a crit...your audience would probably know....and I don't know that I need an explanation in the poem....

Anyway, an enjoyable piece....this is good

but one question: Can punctuation changes make these lines a bit better?

nor could I call her Ammaji –only my mother
was Amma to me Was she a do-gooder
for our family, or for the taxi driver’s family?

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#9 Post by SivaRamanathan » 21 Dec 2018, 21:51

Thank you Bob. I will work on this.It is too loquacious.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Appa Took Me to the Village Nearby Called Agaram In a Black and Yellow Taxi To Meet Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 21 Dec 2018, 22:31

Appa took me to the village nearby called Agaram
in a black and yellow taxi to meet a Sanyasini.
That Swami Thatha who stayed in Vatsala’s house
and fed us with morsels of epics, came from Agaram.
where there was a Mata-Sanyasini, and if Swamijis
didn’t marry, then who was she with a quarter-anna
size pottu and out-spread hair, giving Darshan
from the first floor balcony?

I could not prostrate to this ‘Divine lady,’
nor could I call her Ammaji;–only my mother
was Amma to me. Was she a do-gooder
for our family, and for the taxi driver’s family?

She pinched kumkum between her fingers
applied it on the forehead with a slight pressure
dotting the holy ash in the centre -there were
more and more men than women, but no children.

''Wipe it away, Daddy.'' I said. I like to see you
with a dash of holy ash, all of the three stripes only.
Be a man; with the marks on a squirrel's back
no Kumkum like a woman, we have no need to worry,
Amma will not be angry, at the most she
might laugh at you and Rama Subbu Mama,
the taxi driver, saying ‘’Does this Kumkum
come for free like her smile, all of her white teeth,
all in a pretty row?''

capricorn
Posts: 211
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#11 Post by capricorn » 23 Dec 2018, 02:54

You have worked hard revising this Siva and with each revision I see great improvements - well done!

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1051
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Dec 2018, 07:53

I agree.... look at places where you can tidy up the punctuation... this is close... good writing

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#13 Post by SivaRamanathan » 23 Dec 2018, 19:25

I fear it is too loquacious. Thank you.

meenas17
Posts: 521
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#14 Post by meenas17 » 26 Dec 2018, 07:19

Follow your versions, the original and the subsequent revisions.
Each time I say to myself the poem is taking an interesting turn.
Appreciate your perseverance.
meenas17

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#15 Post by SivaRamanathan » 26 Dec 2018, 09:30

Thanks Meena. I also have to think like a seven year old.That is the difficult part.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#16 Post by SivaRamanathan » 26 Dec 2018, 09:38

Thanks Meena. I also have to think like a seven year old.That is the difficult part.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1051
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#17 Post by BobBradshaw » 29 Dec 2018, 00:58

These lines are awkward; can you simplify them?

I like to see you with a dash
of holy ash, all of the three stripes only, be a man;

Maybe?
I like to see you with a dash
of holy ash, the three stripes only, for a man;

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 929
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Agaram Swamiji and some Amma Swamiji

#18 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Dec 2018, 12:59

Thanks Bob .Will use this.

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