History By A Lesser Known

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meenas17
Posts: 554
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

History By A Lesser Known

#1 Post by meenas17 » 12 Mar 2019, 19:38

The freedom struggle at its heights,
rebellions, protests
shouts of slogans
"Go Away" reach the skies
violence spreads
mass shootings, bloodshed
scar the earth, thence
come the messiah of Peace,
Mohandas arrives from South Africa
takes ahimsa as a weapon
walks across the nation,
leads the satyagraha movement.

He travels to South India
halts at the ancient city Madurai
his host Karumuttu Thiagarajan
and the lady of the house Visalakshi
extend a warm welcome.While
serving dinner to Gandhi she gifts
a white cloth to the leader, unknowing
that it will turn significant .

No sooner Gandhi is seen
the loin of cloth around his waist,
a replica of a poor Indian farmer.
Sir Winston Churchill"s
" half naked fakir."

A quick association here,
I am the granddaughter of the host,
been close to granddad
not seen grandmother,
Visalakshi, the noble lady.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1431
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 12 Mar 2019, 20:31

Nice poem,
You could cut to just 'Churchill' he is so famous.

You omitted 'Mahatma' for the same reason.

Don't think you actually need the name Gandhi we recognise him from South Africa then India,
and as the poem unfolds we recognise the man.

Loincloth is one word.

Churchill loved empire, loved India, did not want to lose it,
hence the derogative. But the British working classes loved the man
he visited the British royalty in that loincloth and was highly respected.


The last s. is flat, suggest something more personal:

I miss grandfather a lot, and wished I'd gotten
to meet grandmother too,
Visalakshi, the noble lady.


I like it.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 865
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Mar 2019, 13:58

Wow. Good poem Meenas. Ghandi is one of my heroes .
When asked if he believed in Christ, he said "I might if I had ever met a real Christian.

Is like to nominate this for IBPC

meenas17
Posts: 554
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#4 Post by meenas17 » 13 Mar 2019, 16:44

Frank, I will improve the last stanza.
Churchill and Gandhi are famous and they do not need anymore than their names.
Thanks.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 554
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#5 Post by meenas17 » 13 Mar 2019, 16:47

Thanks Ken.
The poem is an experience. My mother and aunt shared the incident with us.
Still I could see their eyes gleam with pride.
Nostalgic
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1130
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Mar 2019, 21:22

This is a good, dramatic story to pursue. However, don't just tell us about the protests, the bloodshedding, etc. Put us in the middle of a protest. Make us feel it. Make us see it. The "Go Away" slogan being shouted is good. Extend...give us more pictures. There is too much violence in our daily lives to respond to simply

violence spreads
mass shootings

Frank is right about the end. It's flat...it doesn't move the story line along. Give us a gut punching end. Keep working this. One idea...tell the narrative from the relative's point of view...make it more personal.

I like these understated lines....With such a famous story I would think understatement would be the best approach....
While
serving dinner to Gandhi she gifts
a white cloth to the leader

Some good work here, Meenas....I look forward to the next revision.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1431
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Mar 2019, 22:05

Yes, agree with Bob, understatement is powerful.

Maybe 'after serving the great leader she gifts him a hand woven cloth.'

I think it is fabulous that you can tell a family anecdote in poetic form,
this makes it so unique.

meenas17
Posts: 554
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#8 Post by meenas17 » 14 Mar 2019, 16:02

Yes, the poem has to be improved.
Will think of a close that will impress.
Thanks, Bob.
meenas17

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Billy
Posts: 872
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#9 Post by Billy » 15 Mar 2019, 07:18

I like Frank's suggestion to cut Churchill and I think you should cut all direct naming of Gandhi. All the information in the poem tells us who it is and leaving out his name will make the poem stand out more.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1431
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Mar 2019, 17:34

Meena, I do so hope you will make some effort with this poem.
Ken has given a nomination, so please let us see your finished
poem ready for the end of the month.
Best wishes.

meenas17
Posts: 554
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: History By A Lesser Known

#11 Post by meenas17 » 20 Mar 2019, 17:23

Thanks, Biob, Billy and frank.
I will revise keeping in mind your suggestions.
It is both personal and historical.
I have to do with diligence.

Meena
meenas17

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