Removed

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Removed

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 May 2019, 13:53

Removed

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1283
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Incremental

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 May 2019, 21:16

There are some nice details in this. A good trimming would help the impact. For example, S3 isn't needed. I would like more focus on the narrator and Em...that is where the emotional heart of this poem is be. The opening stanza is good...I would insert "it's" in the line... "as if it's our last day together".

We speed around the inland sea heading
for Lauwersoog, Em clings to me
as if our last day together.

I like the humorous touch with Confucius.

Em tucks into her ice cream smiling, hoping,
hinting for a conversation indicated by
a cock of her head. She soaks up my every
word as if from Confucius himself.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: It's not just about 1.5 Degrees [forerly Incremental]

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 May 2019, 17:19

Thanks Bob
updated revision.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1283
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: It's not just about one and a Half Degrees Celsius [formerly Incremental]

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 May 2019, 21:15

Much more focused...and a stronger poem. The revision has really helped.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: It's not just about one and a Half Degrees Celsius [formerly Incremental]

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 May 2019, 21:39

Thanks Bob, your note helped.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lauwersmeer V3

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 May 2019, 10:14

Version Three on the Title.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lauwersmeer V3

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 May 2019, 12:01

I've tweaked this a little too
can't believe 670 have read this already.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lauwersmeer V4

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Jun 2019, 20:10

v4
It's amazing that over 1300 reads in one month.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Two Thousand and Fifty [V5 13 June]

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Jun 2019, 16:29

Changed the title, more apt I think.
Reads up to 1743, amazing.

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”