Two Thousand and Fifty [V5 13 June]

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Two Thousand and Fifty [V5 13 June]

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 01 May 2019, 13:53

2050 formerly Lauwersmeer

We skirt the inland sea: Lauwersmeer,
Em hugs my arm, our last day.
Rain clouds loom harbouring a storm.
A westerly whips froth over the road
overflowing onto the land.
Our DAF swishes through water streaming
across the road. We're thrown together
on a bend my clothes carry the aromas of my day:
shag tobacco, breakfast uitsmijter ,
and machine oil from my lathe. She burrows
her tiny body contentedly in under my arm,
I serve as a comfort blanket

Mama parks on the dike, a crowd lines
the lane to the sluices, the Wadden continues
to rise drawn by Lunar. The crowd watch silently
as the sea laps over the gates. At the turn they open
and the lake trickles to the sea, the flow increasing
to a deluge as it empties. An hour and the level drops,
the crowds disperse to a café on the dijk.

Em tucks into her ice cream smiling, hoping, hinting
for a conversation with a tilt of her head.
She soaks up my every word as if from Confucius
himself. She likes our little chats and English practice.
We are a bond of senpai and kōhai.

I sit preoccupied with this near disaster.
In 30 years all this will be gone
I will have passed on, will Em remember
this day or Oom Sjoert



*****
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lauwersmeer
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lauwersoog


******

Lauwersmeer

We speed around the inland sea heading
for Lauwersoog, Em clings to me
as if our last day together.

Dark clouds loom overhead,
wind whips froth onto the road
from the Lake: Lauwersmeer.

Helena drives through the flow of water
running across the road we lean into each
other, tightly squeezed through the curve.

Mama parks car on the dike road, Em leaves
her teddy behind, crowds lines the lane
to the sluice gates, a mass of water leans,
laps over the sluice fed by the Reitdiep,
Dokkumerdiep and the Ee.

Lunar completes its cycle the tide is about to turn,
the rising water almost higher than the sea
that batters at the gates. The crowd silent now,
watching, the sea laps slightly higher, water flows
into the lake still being fed by three rapacious rivers.

After twenty minutes the gates open, a trickle
opens out into the sea, as the moments ebb
a deluge empties the lake. After a hour
the levels drop a third of a meter, the crowd
disperses, we trek up to the café on the dijk.

Em tucks into her ice cream smiling, hoping,
hinting for a conversation indicated by
a cock of her head. She soaks up my every
word as if from Confucius himself. I sit
preoccupied with this happening, disaster
averted by just twenty millimetres.

The sea flooded in to form the lake in 1892,
what will the future bring for Em. I cannot understand
why world leaders, intelligent men, still deny
that change is taking place.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1163
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Incremental

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 May 2019, 21:16

There are some nice details in this. A good trimming would help the impact. For example, S3 isn't needed. I would like more focus on the narrator and Em...that is where the emotional heart of this poem is be. The opening stanza is good...I would insert "it's" in the line... "as if it's our last day together".

We speed around the inland sea heading
for Lauwersoog, Em clings to me
as if our last day together.

I like the humorous touch with Confucius.

Em tucks into her ice cream smiling, hoping,
hinting for a conversation indicated by
a cock of her head. She soaks up my every
word as if from Confucius himself.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: It's not just about 1.5 Degrees [forerly Incremental]

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 May 2019, 17:19

Thanks Bob
updated revision.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1163
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: It's not just about one and a Half Degrees Celsius [formerly Incremental]

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 May 2019, 21:15

Much more focused...and a stronger poem. The revision has really helped.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: It's not just about one and a Half Degrees Celsius [formerly Incremental]

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 May 2019, 21:39

Thanks Bob, your note helped.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lauwersmeer V3

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 May 2019, 10:14

Version Three on the Title.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lauwersmeer V3

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 May 2019, 12:01

I've tweaked this a little too
can't believe 670 have read this already.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Lauwersmeer V4

#8 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Jun 2019, 20:10

v4
It's amazing that over 1300 reads in one month.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1453
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Two Thousand and Fifty [V5 13 June]

#9 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Jun 2019, 16:29

Changed the title, more apt I think.
Reads up to 1743, amazing.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 915
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Two Thousand and Fifty [V5 13 June]

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 14 Jun 2019, 01:48

That's because of one thing. People click on a poem based on the number of comments. There are six by you alone. Artificially inflated. Your leg humping is embarrassing.

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