Our Parents

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1192
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Our Parents

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Jul 2019, 08:51

Our Parents


Mom knew where she was headed,
as confident as a song bird.

She was an office on a top floor,
and breathtaking views.

Mom was too busy for us,
a vice presidential firefly

in a field lit with fireworks
and sparklers.

We turned to Dad when we felt
lonely or overwhelmed.

He was never too busy for us,
though he was a windshield wiper

wiping furiously away,
every day for him
a downpour.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1487
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Our Parents

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 13 Jul 2019, 14:28

She was an office on a top floor,
and breathtaking views.
Perhaps: 'with breathtaking views'.

Suggest you promote her to full president:

Mom was too busy for us,
a furious presidential firefly.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 949
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Our Parents

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 14 Jul 2019, 08:08

I get where you're going. I think the choice of descriptions don't carry the poem. I suggest better metaphors or if you need to keep them, add a stanza or two. As is, it's fairly sterile for such an emotional subject

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1192
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Our Parents

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Jul 2019, 20:45

You're right, Ken. Thanks for letting me know.

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