Mistaken Identity

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capricorn
Posts: 331
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Mistaken Identity

#1 Post by capricorn » 13 Sep 2019, 02:43

Mistaken Identity

I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned

around your wispy frame and I'm enticed
to delve into nostalgic reveries:
Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun and spiced
with tea and cakes. Then age sneaked up, disease

besieged your mind as slowly roles reversed.
Pink roses brush sweet lilies wreathed on oak.
As grief cascaded, I became immersed
beneath until buoyed up by kindly folk.

I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of the face I've reminisced;
my vision drifts away upon a gust
of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Mistaken Identity

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 13 Sep 2019, 07:12

Eira, this is well rendered with rhyme. Sad poem against the backdrop of autumn.

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Mistaken Identity

#3 Post by meenas17 » 13 Sep 2019, 17:32

Love the imagery Eira.
the concluding line of autumn;s breath --- a phantom turns to mist leaves a picturesque image.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 331
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Mistaken Identity

#4 Post by capricorn » 03 Oct 2019, 23:59

Kenneth2816 wrote:
13 Sep 2019, 07:12
Eira, this is well rendered with rhyme. Sad poem against the backdrop of autumn.
Thanks Ken, I've been so busy I'd almost forgotten this one.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 331
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Mistaken Identity

#5 Post by capricorn » 04 Oct 2019, 00:00

meenas17 wrote:
13 Sep 2019, 17:32
Love the imagery Eira.
the concluding line of autumn;s breath --- a phantom turns to mist leaves a picturesque image.
Thanks Meena - always good to hear from you.
Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1467
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Mistaken Identity

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Oct 2019, 09:49

I really like that opening stanza...I also like the mix of full and slant rhyme...At times the poem tends too much towards the poetic, as in "autumn's breath"....I would look to change that description, and some of the lines in the 3rd stanza for the same reason. I like the closing, as everyone else does, "a phantom turns to mist", which you've set us up for beautifully.

My favorite lines....I also admire here how the waves of salt line flows into the next line...and how the stanza closes the simile perfectly with "turned against the biting easterlies' assault"...these 3 lines, simple but imaginative, wow me.

I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1588
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Mistaken Identity

#7 Post by Michael (MV) » 04 Oct 2019, 17:42

Hi Eira

Kenneth has recommended your poem:

http://www.the-writers-block.net/forum/ ... 644#p36093

asap

Thanks Eira

😎

Michael

capricorn
Posts: 331
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Mistaken Identity

#8 Post by capricorn » 05 Oct 2019, 00:58

BobBradshaw wrote:
04 Oct 2019, 09:49
I really like that opening stanza...I also like the mix of full and slant rhyme...At times the poem tends too much towards the poetic, as in "autumn's breath"....I would look to change that description, and some of the lines in the 3rd stanza for the same reason. I like the closing, as everyone else does, "a phantom turns to mist", which you've set us up for beautifully.

My favorite lines....I also admire here how the waves of salt line flows into the next line...and how the stanza closes the simile perfectly with "turned against the biting easterlies' assault"...these 3 lines, simple but imaginative, wow me.

I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.

Thanks Bob, I can tend to be overly poetic :roll: (used to be much worse) I've tidied up St 3 a little - hope it reads better.

Eira

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