The Annunciation

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

The Annunciation

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Sep 2019, 11:51

When I think of all the times
I've been laid low
and the bitters of inadequacy
roil my sleep, I remember greater

men than me lived as wisps;
smoke rings that roll in perfect
concentricity until dissipated
by the greater air.

For all the beauty he left,
Van Gogh is remembered
as much for painting
with razors and a left ear.

Poor Ludwig coatless and deaf
in the cold Vienna rain that street
children chased him with rocks.

Mozart buried in a pauper's
grave with a shovel of quicklime.

We have the same mad mother.
A few frail words will survive me
like a stand of children whose
heads have newly broke ground.

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Annunciation

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Sep 2019, 05:50

Good subject... the last stanza is startling... I would consider cutting S2....not needed and for me a bit hard to visualize ... I would just end S1 on “sleep”.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Annunciation

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Sep 2019, 20:53

Kenneth
I like that 'stand of children.' The first line I feel is a little old fashioned,but never mind-- what if we take off the 'When ?'

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Annunciation

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Sep 2019, 12:59

Thanks guys. It's just not a very good poem. Might use parts of it for another poem

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Annunciation

#5 Post by meenas17 » 20 Sep 2019, 17:49

Good one, Ken though not the best.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
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Re: The Annunciation

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 22 Sep 2019, 20:51

Thank you meenas

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The Annunciation

#7 Post by Billy » 23 Sep 2019, 23:49

I like the parts. I think where it needs help is the parts making a whole. I think could somehow come together with a little more clarity of purpose.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: The Annunciation

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 24 Sep 2019, 07:37

Thanks Billy

judyt547
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Re: The Annunciation

#9 Post by judyt547 » 08 Nov 2019, 01:16

Just found this, and I agree with you and everyone else about this--it's a difficult, sad poem,
but (and this is important) it's a poem that had to be written. Friend of mine has a theory
about such things--he said that poems are like beads on a string, and they all have to be
written--good bad and bloody awful--just to get the bad ones out of the way and make room
for the good stuff waiting behind.
If you don't at least get these things OUT, the others fester behind, and get bored, and
wander away.

Best line, "We all have the same mad mother". You might want to hang onto that one,
I have a hunch the good poem is right in that line, you just don't know it yet. =)

Michael (MV)
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Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: The Annunciation

#10 Post by Michael (MV) » 09 Nov 2019, 17:04

Hi kenneth,

"We have the same mad mother."

 Annunciation:
We all are born
of the same mad mother

^^ the micro-poem

😎

Michael (MV)

judyt547
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Re: The Annunciation

#11 Post by judyt547 » 09 Nov 2019, 22:48

MV, exactly.
Ken, if you start with that and work down
(forgetting all the historical detail) from that;
--the first stanza is self-pity. Not good.--
but oh, the last stanza, and for a cap at the bottom
those searing two lines about Mozart.

And leave off "me" ("a few frail words will survive")

It isn't a 'bad poem", it's a rough draft of what could be
a very good poem.

So there.

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