A Sparrow Found (1917) - V2

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FranktheFrank
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Location: Between the mountains and the sea

A Sparrow Found (1917) - V2

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Oct 2019, 16:25

A Sparrow Found (1917)
by FranktheFrank » 25 Oct 2019, 01:25 V2 17 November 2109

"I liked to watch her sleep; she slept like a baby."
Simone (Momone) Berteaut, Piaf, Opera Mundi, Paris, 1969.

The hiss of steam from a coffee machine
a gurgle of absinthe into a glass
the rattle of coins on the counter, sharp, penetrable
a stroke of linen from the serveuse’s apron.
The smell of wine and lager, of food prepared
the accord of the piano and accordion
the thrill of sound, of music and of song
feeding my mind and my heart.

Imagine Momone, all this without the splash of colour
without light and contrast, just the void
Imagine a night sky with no moon, no stars
an universe that goes on forever in darkness
a black hole in my life.

They say Momone there are places where people
shut out the light and meditate in silence.
Oh Momone! what horror there, just emptiness, no life.

Just Oma Mena to care for me, to live off scraps
loved but unwashed, Opu soused in red wine.
Mena servicing poor workmen in the bistros of the night.

I would sing those songs in delight, I’d memorised them all
the beauty in the refrains dancing through my mind
and then Oma's gentle admonishment
“Sleep now Edith, stop singing; it's time to sleep.”




*****




"I liked to watch her sleep; she slept like a baby."
Simone (Momone) Berteaut, Piaf, Opera Mundi, Paris, 1969

The hiss of steam of the coffee machine
a gurgle of absinthe into a glass
the rattle of coins on the counter, sharp, penetrable,
a stroke of linen from the serveuse’s apron.
The smell of wine and lager of food prepared,
the accord of the piano and accordion,
the divine sound of music and song
feeding my mind and my heart.

Imagine Momone, all this without the splash of colour
without light and contrast, just the void
Imagine a night sky with no moon, no stars;
an universe that goes on forever in darkness,
a black hole in my life.
They say Momone there are places where people
shut out the light and meditate in silence.
Oh Momone! what horror there, just emptiness, no life

Just Oma Mena to care for me, to live off scraps,
loved but unwashed, Opu soused in red wine.
Mena servicing poor workmen in the bistros of the nights.

I would sing those songs in delight, I’d memorised them all,
the thrill of the refrains dancing through my mind,
and then Oma Mena's gentle admonishments,
“Sleep now Edith, stop singing it's time to sleep.”

judyt547
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Re: A Sparrow Found (1917)

#2 Post by judyt547 » 25 Oct 2019, 19:30

This has elegance.
However. You knew there would be a however.

I would ease up on the luxurious descriptions in the first stanza.
"the hiss of steam, a gurgle of ansinthe, the rattle of coins,
a stroke of linen", etc etc too many and too repetitive.

You have to be a bit ruthless, or you'll lose your reader.
(I'd opt for 'a gurgle of absinthe, the rattle of coins, wine and lager,
and music feeding my heart") something on that order.
line breaks and spacing up to you. But simplify this,
so as not to overwhelm the rest of the poem.

And the rest of the poem is marvelous. Dense, moody, Piaf to the core.

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: A Sparrow Found (1917)

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Oct 2019, 20:53

Yes, quite good. I would cut the "divine sound...." line. A well developed mood piece....

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Billy
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: A Sparrow Found (1917)

#4 Post by Billy » 28 Oct 2019, 22:07

Very well-written piece. I echo Judy and Bob’s suggestions.

meenas17
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Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Sparrow Found (1917)

#5 Post by meenas17 » 29 Oct 2019, 06:08

An elaborate one. Never once I lost interest.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: A Sparrow Found (1917)

#6 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Nov 2019, 23:04

Thanks all.
Edith Piaf was perhaps one of the greatest French female singers ever.
He voice was powerful and she could carry an audience to the point of tears.
She sang about romantic love, poverty, the rough end of life.
She had a bad start in life, poverty, rickets, blindness through lack of care.
She could write songs, and helped other singers up the ladder of success.
She was absolutely promiscuous, she said she would never let a man control her.
She was an alcoholic and died young at 47.
She had lived life to the full.
I was intending to write a series on her life.
This is her telling her sister about blindness
the first stanza is common to us, I mean we take it for granted,
but she only saw it all through smell, sound and touch
she never actually saw any of it then via her eyes.

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