Untitled

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judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Untitled

#1 Post by judyt547 » 04 Nov 2019, 18:15

She learned at last to be content
with silence
to keep the hand open
the eyes steady
the heart whole. And when he went away
she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;
the afternoons were fine, the evenings
could be endured; but mornings, when the sky
was deep with promise and cloud,
when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours dragged, and reason departed.
That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart
seemed a cruel joke by a cruel God
who had heard her more than once
complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was
and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason that she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light.

chip away. I feel it's too long, but im not sure what to cut and what to save, if anything

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Untitled

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Nov 2019, 19:01

No such thing as too long. However some judicious stanza breaks might benefit the poem. I think it a good poem. Engaging, easily relatable

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Untitled revision

#3 Post by judyt547 » 04 Nov 2019, 19:17

She learned at last to be content
with silence
to keep the hand open
the eyes steady
the heart whole. And when he went away

she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;
the afternoons were fine, the evenings
could be endured; but mornings, when the sky
was deep with promise and cloud,

when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours dragged, and reason departed.

That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart
seemed a cruel joke by a cruel God
who had heard her more than once

complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was
and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason that she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Untitled

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Nov 2019, 03:13

God is coming more into your work
I wonder if there is a reason

It could be N has lost faith
and is complaining the He (God) has left her
not sure.

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Untitled

#5 Post by judyt547 » 06 Nov 2019, 04:03

nteresting. I never considered that before, but it does sort of leave the whole thing open to interpretation
doesn't it.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1389
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Untitled

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Nov 2019, 05:01

There are many fine lines in this. My only suggestion would be to start with the 2nd stanza but start with "When he went away".

fine lines:

That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart

lovely close:

complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was
and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason that she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light.

capricorn
Posts: 303
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Untitled

#7 Post by capricorn » 30 Nov 2019, 03:23

You have some lovely lines in this, Judy,

I quite like Bob's idea of starting with

And when he went away
she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;

It seems more direct to start this way.

I love the imagery of these stanzas

when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours dragged, and reason departed.

That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart


Eira

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Untitled revision 3

#8 Post by judyt547 » 02 Dec 2019, 19:19

And when he went away
she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;
the afternoons were fine, the evenings
could be endured; but mornings, when the sky
was deep with promise and cloud,

when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours pulled at her, and reason departed.

That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart
seemed a cruel joke by a cruel God
who had heard her more than once

complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was
and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason that she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light

I like this better, and thank you. Read this aloud,
and oh, mamie, it hurts to read. =)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1389
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Untitled

#9 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Dec 2019, 08:53

This is much better. The strength of the poem is in the last 7 lines. Cut “cruel” from “cruel joke”... both redundant and cliched.

Your trimming has been productive. However, this stanza
could do with more pruning, more compression. I would replace the greens and blues references with specific imagery. It could make a huge difference.

That this much beauty still existed
that greens continued to hurt the eye
and blues continued to break the heart
seemed a cruel joke by a cruel God
who had heard her more than once

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Untitled (revision)

#10 Post by judyt547 » 03 Dec 2019, 17:40

good points. I used 'cruel" twice for the rhythm. Even free verse needs a certain rhythm that I don't hear unless I read it aloud.
I've already done the specific imagery in the previous stanza, so in a way it's redundant and not really necessary at all.

Untitled (revision)

And when he went away
she learned to be content
with nothing where something had been;
the afternoons were fine, the evenings
could be endured; but mornings, when the sky
was deep with promise and cloud,

when the sun rose over everything and wind
carried the scent of fresh cut grass
and lilacs beginning to fade,
then the hours pulled at her, and reason departed.

That this much beauty could still exist
seemed a bitter joke by a cruel god
who had heard her more than once
complaining bitterly
about how bright the light was

and how it caused her to weep
for no particular reason she could see
except that there was one less shadow
to shield her from the light

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