The Moon Walk

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1389
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

The Moon Walk

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 05 Dec 2019, 00:24

V2:

The Moon Walk

It’s nearly another anniversary
of the day Neil Armstrong

and Buzz Aldrin bounced
across a powdery surface.

The black and white footage
of Neil’s shadow

on the lunar landscape is as grainy
as the ultrasound images

of our son, 14 years later.
But this was 1969

and I was on the verge of college;
my sister had found Jesus,

and Dad had been promoted.
We were like the Apollo crew,

our footprints ahead
waiting for us.


V1:
The Moon Walk


It’s nearly another anniversary
of the day Neil Armstrong

and Buzz Aldrin jumped
with springs in their legs

across the fine grained powdery
surface of the moon.

The black and white footage
of Neil’s shadow on the lunar

landscape is as grainy
as the ultra sound images

my wife held onto of our son
in 1983. But this was 1969

and everything was black
and white then....sputniks

versus satellites,
Giants / Dodgers.

I was on the verge of college;
my sister had found Jesus,

and Dad had been promoted.
We were like the Apollo crew,

with only one direction—up.
Our footprints ahead
waiting for us.

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: The Moon Walk

#2 Post by judyt547 » 05 Dec 2019, 06:16

I like the way the beginining seques into the ending.

Couple of suggestions: "jumped
with springs in their legs" could be reduced
to one word: "bounced", which conveys the same
meaning but more neatly. Do you need "fine grained"
when you also have "powdery" ?

"--as the ultra sound images
of our son, 14 years later"
The next two couplets are awkward, and
don't really move anything forwarder.

maybe remove the first line of the last verse,
"we were like the Apollo crew,
our footprints ahead
waiting for us."

Other than that, I love it. :)

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1015
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Moon Walk

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 Dec 2019, 06:42

Bob and Judy

These workshop suggestions are enlightening. I am taking notes.
Siva

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1389
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: The Moon Walk

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 05 Dec 2019, 06:47

These are terrific suggestions...I have reflected them in V2. Thx, Judy

meenas17
Posts: 685
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: The Moon Walk

#5 Post by meenas17 » 05 Dec 2019, 14:24

Judy gives useful suggestions. Her edits are effective and render the verse enjoyable.
Great!
meenas17

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: The Moon Walk

#6 Post by judyt547 » 05 Dec 2019, 19:24

oh, you spoil me, but thank you.
Anytime you write a poem, once you head into revision, read it out loud.
Slowly, hearing the words. Your eyes can fool you, your ears, never.

This one moves, now, right down the page.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1015
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: The Moon Walk

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 Dec 2019, 20:16

Judy

I did that with my Big House poem.But only after my mentor/poet friend told me to.

Siva

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: The Moon Walk

#8 Post by judyt547 » 06 Dec 2019, 00:14

Works, doesn't it. You can hear the bumps in the language that way.
and the best part is, when you hit the good lines, you know it. =)

capricorn
Posts: 303
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: The Moon Walk

#9 Post by capricorn » 07 Dec 2019, 17:24

Great revision, Bob.
It does help to read your poem out aloud - I do try and remember that!

Eira

judyt547
Posts: 129
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: The Moon Walk

#10 Post by judyt547 » 08 Dec 2019, 13:12

final suggestion, not critical but possibly an improvement:
change
"The black and white footage
of Neil’s shadow on the lunar

landscape is as grainy
as the ultra sound images"

to ""Neil's shadow on the landscape
is as grainy
as the ultra sound images"

Do you really need 'black and white footage"?
It works either way, but Im not sure it's totally necessary to add that.

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