Marakuli

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Marakuli

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 05 Dec 2019, 23:58

Edit 1

On my father's side,
a tree at the moment of death.
On my mother's side, the spirit
of the mountain Yeti.
I am born in the imagination.
With coconut husk toes
and nails of dead rhino skin.
I am monarch of the dark night,

but I am also a gnarled tree--
with ugly, misshapen eyebrows,
huge seed-eyes--my hands branches,
my feet stumps of trees.
Yet in between I also
sprout hair. I, Marakuli, come
when summoned----

I come when babysitters
lose their patience.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On my father's side,
a tree at the moment of death.
On my mother's side, the spirit
of the mountain Yeti.
I am born in the imagination,
whenever there is a dearth
of real animals.

Quickly with coconut husk toes
and nails of dead rhino skin.
I am monarch of the dark night.
I howl like the wind,
converse like a hurricane.
I can make you feel
my presence. Imagine
there is no breeze.
Still I can sway mean plants
not the Tulsi.

I, Marakuli am a gnarled tree,
with animal eyebrows, giant
seed-eyes, my hands branches,
my feet stumps of trees.
Yet in between I also
sprout hair. I, Marakuli, come
when summoned----
ugly, a sore sight for kids
who do not gulp their food.

I, Marakuli, come
when babysitters lose their patience.

Siva Ramanathan

Footnote

Marakuli - the spirit of the woods
Tulsi - basil

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1577
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Marakuli

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Dec 2019, 22:15

I love the ending:

I, Marakuli, come
when babysitters lose their patience.

Ha!
The last 2 lines are so endearing(and humorous) I'm not sure if you need the 2 lines preceding them(a sore sight is cliched anyway). Another line to toss is "how like the wind"...again it's a phrase used way too often to have any effect...I would look to condense the second stanza...go for less, not more in this poem especially. Also trim "I can make you feel my presence"...unnecessary. The poem itself should do that.

You have a fun subject, and a poem that is pretty close. Just look to economize and you'll have it. Replace "animal" with something more specific, at least in imagery if not a specific animal.
Just a thought:

On my father's side,
a tree at the moment of death.
On my mother's side, the spirit
of the mountain Yeti.
I am born in the imagination.
With coconut husk toes
and nails of dead rhino skin.
I am monarch of the dark night,

but I am also a gnarled tree--
with ugly, misshapen eyebrows,
huge seed-eyes--my hands branches,
my feet stumps of trees.
Yet in between I also
sprout hair. I, Marakuli, come
when summoned----

I come when babysitters
lose their patience.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Marakuli

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 06 Dec 2019, 23:35

B
Thank you.I think this is better.I will keep your version, if I may.
S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1577
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Marakuli

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Dec 2019, 02:57

Of course. I am glad it’s helpful.

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Marakuli

#5 Post by judyt547 » 07 Dec 2019, 05:14

I agree with Bob, those are the places I was seeing, too. (great minds, after all)
this is much better.

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Marakuli

#6 Post by capricorn » 07 Dec 2019, 17:21

Yes, Bob's suggestions are spot on. A fascinating poem - I really enjoyed!

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1577
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Marakuli

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Jan 2020, 00:08

Your poem is nominated

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