A Manoeuvre

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meenas17
Posts: 693
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

A Manoeuvre

#1 Post by meenas17 » 11 Dec 2019, 18:33

I go for a walk every evening
a ploy to keep my legs active.

Mine being a strange case,
able to walk in ease for half an hour.

Peculiar, being unable to stand
for more than quarter an hour.

I look at myself with a keenness
nowhere did I examine myself so close.

Neither obese, being for sure,
nor slender being true .

I have been active all through my years,
never an athlete for certain.

Did learn dancing for quiet a number of years,
very regular in my classes, that being an exercise.

Did cycling till I got married, going around the house,
never a champion for that matter.

Then came the family with three kids
days were not enough to take care of them.

In the milieu lost twenty years or so
entered the middle age all too soon.

Perfect cooperation from my all
my faculties. They synchronize seamlessly.

As I enter my fifties I feel the bite
harsh it turns, with a break down of my right knee.

I manage somehow with home remedies, spray,
pain killers and physio therapy.

Nothing gives me a permanent cure,
I have to live with wobbling legs,

I make a point to walk well over 2 kilometers
dragging my legs, at times I experience sharp pain.

The practice gives me comfort to an extent,
relieve the stiffness and make the legs supple.

This month I miss a lot as rains compete with me
every evening they come with a big bang.

Walking has become a habit, like drinking hot tea
every morning after breakfast.

It is being challenged by nature.
Oh ! no, my knees appear to ache.


Rev

I go for a walk every evening
a ploy to keep my legs active.

Mine being a strange case,
able to walk in ease for half an hour.

Peculiar, being unable to stand
for more than quarter an hour.

I examine myself : neither obese
nor slender.

I have been active throughout
never an athlete for certain.

Learnt dancing in my younger years.
Been very regular and passionate.

Cycled till my marriage, went around
the house, not a champion anyway.

Then came three kids, tied up
not a minute to spare.

In the milieu lost twenty years
entered the middle age all too soon.

My faculties give the fullest cooperation.
They synchronize seamlessly,

I enter the fifties, wince as I walk,
the harsh bite of my right knee.

Home remedies, spray, physiotherapy,
pain killers help to an extent.

No permanent cure at sight.
I live with wobbling legs.

I make a point to walk well over 2 kilometers
dragging my legs with stabbing pain.

The practice gives me comfort
the stiff legs turn supple.

This month I miss a lot as rains compete with me,
every evening they come with a big bang.

Walking has become a habit, like drinking hot tea
every morning.

Ouch! hear a crackle
Oh ! my knees hurt,
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1437
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: A Manoeuvre

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 11 Dec 2019, 22:39

Ah, middle age and the beginning demise....You capture the frustration of this well. I love the line "entered the middle age all too soon". Ha! True.

There are a number of places to compress slightly...some here, some there. I like the idea of the closing line...but "appear" is like "really" in a poem...unnecessary. Either something aches or it doesn't. Maybe "Oh!, no, my knees ache again." I also like the line about rains coming with "a big bang".

We don't need the next to last line, "being challenged by nature". The entire poem has told us this in different ways.

Some things to consider compressing: the line after dancing....the dancing line tells us what we need to know...quiet s/b quite

I look at myself with a keenness
nowhere did I examine myself so close.

Neither obese, being for sure,
nor slender being true .

shorten to ?
I examine myself: neither
obese nor slender
*********************************************
As I enter my fifties I feel the bite
harsh it turns, with a break down of my right knee.

shorten to ?
Entering my fifties
I wince as I walk, the harsh bite
of my right knee ....

Compression, maybe making the verbs a bit more active as well, and the poem will hit us harder. For example, "did cycling" could be shortened to "cycled"....

It's a good subject. You're getting there. Some more work and it will be a fine poem.

meenas17
Posts: 693
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Manoeuvre

#3 Post by meenas17 » 12 Dec 2019, 13:42

Very good suggestions, Bob.
I will work and post a revision soon.
Thanks.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 693
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: A Manoeuvre

#4 Post by meenas17 » 13 Dec 2019, 15:22

Tried to make the poem sharp.
Tell me how you find reading the version, Bob.

Thanks
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1437
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: A Manoeuvre

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 13 Dec 2019, 22:26

This is much better. Still, it can be tightened. Here's one approach, to get you thinking....

meenas;

Every evening I walk,
a ploy to keep my legs active,

mine being a strange case.
I walk with ease for half an hour

but I’m unable to stand
for more than quarter an hour.

I’m neither obese
nor slender,

and I’ve always been active,
though never an athlete,

Dancing and cycling
filled my days till marriage.

Then three kids burst into my life,
middle age coming too soon.

My fifties find me wincing
as I walk, the harsh bite of a knee…

Home remedies, spray, physiotherapy,
pain killers help to an extent.

Still, I live with painful legs,
walking well over 2 kilometers

daily, dragging my legs.
The routine comforts me,

the stiff legs growing
more supple.

This month I miss my hikes,
the rains coming with big bangs.

Walking has become a habit,
like drinking hot tea every morning,

my reassurance broken
by a crackle. Oh no!

My knees hurt!

capricorn
Posts: 316
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: A Manoeuvre

#6 Post by capricorn » 16 Dec 2019, 01:49

Bob has given some great suggestions, Meena. This just needs some more tightening.
As for the knees hurting - I know just what you mean! Ouch!

Eira

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