It Is About Algi

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meenas17
Posts: 693
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

It Is About Algi

#1 Post by meenas17 » 05 Jan 2020, 15:07

my chef,
proficient in cooking,
rude in behaviour. He prepares
delicious food in no time.
An expert, no doubt.

Every Sunday, Algi has
to go to the market, in rain or sun
to buy vegetables, if disallowed
mumbles. Not minding his weak legs,
he walks briskly during the buying spree

Limping he returns with
two basket full of vegetables.
Tumbles the brinjals, carrots,
potatoes, onions on the floor,
segregating them does the totaling

He misses out in the first entry.
Strikes off, calculates once again
goes wrong, undeterred continues
finally arrives at the desired total.
Talks to himself, "have I ever gone wrong"?

Algi is done. Diverts to prepare lunch
Hands over the list to me on the second day.
Checking, find he has added up
things twice.falls short of thirty rupees
When asked he sports a smile.

I leave him there, knowing well
he has made money, that will
last him through the week.
Been with me for fifteen years,
I retain him for his culinary skills
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1437
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: It Is About Algi

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Jan 2020, 23:29

Good poem....Don't wince, but I have some very minor suggestions. I would cut the first stanza, and change the first line of S2 to read "Every Sunday, my chef Algi", moving "has" to the next line. On S3 change the last line to
"totaling their costs"....one action instead of 2 actions(segregating and totaling) has a stronger impact.

Capitalize "have I ever gone wrong" to "Have I ever gone wrong?" Move "with" at the end of a line to the beginning of the next line. I would also move "that will" to the next line....a minor tweak to consider.

Also, clean up the punctuation etc. slightly from

Algi is done. Diverts to prepare lunch
Hands over the list to me on the second day.
Checking, find he has added up
things twice.falls short of thirty rupees
When asked he sports a smile.

to

Algi is done. Diverts to prepare lunch,
hands over the list to me on the second day.
Checking, finds he has added up
things twice, falls short of thirty rupees.
When asked he sports a smile.

I would strongly consider removing the last stanza.


These are all minor tweaks....clean it up for a polished look and you have a good poem. A really good one, meenas

meenas17
Posts: 693
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: It Is About Algi

#3 Post by meenas17 » 07 Jan 2020, 04:08

The last stanza need to be removed. This is the majority's opinion as yours in the other board.
I will do so in the revision and pay attention to the punctuation.
Thanks for your help, Bob.
meenas17

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