New York Pitch Conferences and Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, Poetry and Authors

I have added some stanzas...see V2...let me know...thx

I nominate Siva's "Riding a Bike...."

Thx, Siva

This is much better than previous versions. I like the clean, shorter lines as well. I know you’re still working on this, and I look forward to your next revision.

Question: why do have so many blank lines?

V2: Elizabeth and Dante Gabriel Rossetti Two days after she died, Lizzie looked as if she’d fallen into a pleasant dream. Gabriel brought in yet another doctor —but his hopes were ashes. Overburdened with guilt, he slipped into Lizzie’s coffin the most valuable thing he owned: a manuscript he was ce...

Yeah, I'm familiar with the photo...it's a great shot. You should try to do it as an ekphrastic piece....see how it works out.

Ok, first off...I like the change in ending...it's much more emotional. We need to make sure the reader sees the connection with Amma's "Mission Hospital" and the artist's asylum. Trimming and more precise language at places will improve the poem....I have a quick 1st draft for you to consider, as a...

I will comment later, when I have access to a computer. Right now I only have a phone.

You're too modest...but I don't see "Paperfall"....did you remove it?

Thanks, Siva...I have changed the poem per your suggestion....the last stanza doesn't need another line(imho)....as a general rule the last stanza can vary from the preceding stanzas' lines...it can add more lines or trim the number of lines ...thx for your help

V2: Alfred Sisley He painted his beloved rivers, borrowing what money he could for food, paints, brushes… his name as forgotten as a concealed layer of paint. Even as he was sick with what his wife had died from, cancer of the tongue, he worked on trying to catch the river’s changing colors, its lig...

Thanks, Siva.

Really? Cultural gap...lol...you've never seen a Superman movie or tv series or read a Superman comic? You have better tastes than I have!

Maybe in the closing reference the horror in S1 but detail in contrast the tenderness and care and love felt at the family member ceremony

I'm not sure...possibly...although I'm thinking ending it on a stanza about a death close to the narrator would work better

There is some lovely writing here: I love the long opening you have laid down; We went past a rubber plantation where the stench had to be inhaled to breathe; worse than burning tyres emitting fire-light. My brother said, be sure you know what it is. And so I recalled the many names of after death. ...

shortened

Thanks, Michael.... especially for your enthusiastic support. It means a lot.

I like the idea of “Separation” for the title.
And I also like your improvement for the last line.

Yes. I’d appreciate a nom for April.
Again, much thanks!
Bob

A slight cut...

V2: Separation Conjoined at the hip and chest, we were partners in a slow dance. Though our parents were divorced, we never knew loneliness. When talk of separation came up we looked at each other the way a pilot and co-pilot in a piper plane do when flying at low altitude, and the engine stalls. Ou...

V2: Lois Lane In Love He’s always diving out an open window waving goodbye, but when he does find time for a quick kiss, a surge of energy floods my nerves. It's like a power surge after an outage, every suburb in my body lighting up. All night as he circles the planet, saving Paris, New Delhi, Min...

Thx, Michael, for the link.... enjoyed the poem.... especially liked the idea of flames flying from the inside out

I like this, Siva. I like the closing especially. I like some of the details, like the reference to the circumference of the library. I like the imagination in "a dream in concrete" and the spaces in google earth opening...I would replace "treasure" with something else...avoid the cliche when possib...

Thx, Michael Bob Bradshaw bobbybradshw@yahoo.com This is my original, unpublished work, not representing any other forum. Laika Don't do this, I whimpered. He held me squirming in his beefy hands. “Congrats, comrade, you’re now a cosmonaut.” For weeks I trained, circling in dizzying orbits around a ...

Thank you, Eira. Michael, Siva wrote to me and wants to withdraw her nom since she has a nomination at another forum. So please withdraw "Paperfall". Thx, Bob