Search found 4 matches

by RhondaMaltbie
10 Oct 2018, 14:02
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Gurkha Officer [revised]
Replies: 10
Views: 16371

Re: The Gurkha Officer

the poem is an easy read, I like the portrait of the soldier. nice work.
by RhondaMaltbie
10 Oct 2018, 13:54
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: he sat close to the bar
Replies: 5
Views: 9355

Re: he sat close to the bar

I really love the ending "right up God's asshole." I like that his voice comes through loud and clear. Authentic.
by RhondaMaltbie
10 Oct 2018, 13:47
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Bride of Frankenstein
Replies: 7
Views: 11514

Re: Bride of Frankenstein

I think the last 5-6 stanzas of the poem deliver the real meat of the subject. Very strong. The flow of the poem over all is a bit jerky for me. Maybe consider longer lines?
I do like the imagery such as "flames from a torched tree" and others.
by RhondaMaltbie
10 Oct 2018, 13:14
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Unblemished (revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 14879

Re: Unblemished

"She slumps in a chair, thinks about when life begins, her future spinning away, a bottle of booze and a broken TV." I think it would read better if you were to change spinning to spins and omit the last 2 lines. The bottle of booze part weakens any empathy the reader has for this woman before the l...