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by BobBradshaw
10 Aug 2016, 01:54
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: A Little Bird at Torpantau
Replies: 3
Views: 2542

Re: A Little Bird

You have created a nice, calm scene. I especially like the first stanza. I like the quote, and the 'cautious melody'. It goes well with the last stanza.

The heavy engine chugged away,
its pistons hissing clouds
of steam, reciprocating mists.
The iron boiler puffed
and spewed its vapour into dust.
by BobBradshaw
06 Aug 2016, 00:45
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: this is not my home
Replies: 5
Views: 3180

Re: this is not my home

A lovely poem. In simple, clear language the poem touches on the mysteries that surround us, and it does so with a deft, charming touch. The poem asks the simple, straight forward question of the world that we all ask: "where has it been/ where did it come from". The poet also touches on our mortali...
by BobBradshaw
04 Aug 2016, 20:55
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:
Replies: 17
Views: 7112

Re: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:

1/Your name Bob Bradshaw 2/e-mail address bobbybradshw@yahoo.com 3/statement that the poem is your original Yes.it is original. 4/and unpublished work. It is unpublished. 5/and that you are not representing in the current IBPC I am not representing in the current IBPC. 6/and the poem as you would li...
by BobBradshaw
02 Aug 2016, 01:21
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:
Replies: 17
Views: 7112

Re: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:

I gladly nominate Frank's poem ''Hiraeth Moments in Old Bombay''.
by BobBradshaw
30 Jul 2016, 03:18
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:
Replies: 17
Views: 7112

Re: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:

Frank, you're right. Thx for mentioning it. The title can be improved. I would like to change the title to 'Your Eyesight is a Blessing'. Best, Bob
by BobBradshaw
30 Jul 2016, 02:13
Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
Topic: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:
Replies: 17
Views: 7112

Re: Upcoming August IBPC 2016:

Thanks, Frank, for the nomination. Also, I'm happy to see Meena's poem 'I am a Planter' nominated...you beat me to it! Best
by BobBradshaw
27 Jul 2016, 03:11
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Those Days Of Joy.
Replies: 6
Views: 3431

Re: Those Days Of Joy.

A buoyant, fun poem...It just whoops and cartwheels along at a good pace. My only nit? Take out the 'beamed with glee' line. It isn't needed, what with the clapping, whistling and cheering. Thanks. I enjoyed it.

Brief it was.Excited they were.
They clapped their hands,
whistled and cheered.
by BobBradshaw
25 Jul 2016, 19:51
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Did you Hear
Replies: 4
Views: 2668

Re: Did you Hear

LOL....Lecturing? No, I have too many of my own problems to lecture others! After 'life's innocents', you could consider adding another stanza or two of confrontation...ratchet up the drama...Americans like me love confrontation in our drama...just a thought.
by BobBradshaw
25 Jul 2016, 07:17
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Did you Hear
Replies: 4
Views: 2668

Re: Did you Hear

This has good potential. It needs to be made more dramatic, and it can be--by trimming and tightening. Remove the 'telling' pieces, as in the next to last stanza. This line is gorgeous: the eyebrow, <more> sharper than any knife. I like the wife, unaware, grieving stoically. I have made a quick stab...
by BobBradshaw
25 Jul 2016, 00:30
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Your Eyesight is a Blessing
Replies: 8
Views: 4137

Re: To Have Your Eyesight is a Blessing

Anything Bernie....is good.
by BobBradshaw
24 Jul 2016, 23:00
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Your Eyesight is a Blessing
Replies: 8
Views: 4137

Re: To Have Your Eyesight is a Blessing

Thanks, Frank. I'm glad it works. Best, Bob
by BobBradshaw
24 Jul 2016, 22:56
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Life Is But A Dream.
Replies: 14
Views: 5359

Re: Life Is But A Dream.

This is better, Meena. Again I like your warm, generous tone. This line should be cut(cliched): 'with a twinkle in her eyes'. And this line is awkward: 'fun to be with you through.' Through?

Anyway, I'm enjoying your writing. Keep it up. Best, Bob
by BobBradshaw
24 Jul 2016, 22:13
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Your Eyesight is a Blessing
Replies: 8
Views: 4137

Your Eyesight is a Blessing

Your Eyesight is a Blessing as you nurture in your small room cymbidiums --their bodies like geishas, graceful and slender, holding their flowers like fans. Beyond your window a tea garden beckons you to sit beneath a mulberry tree, cocooned in a heavy blanket, gazing at the flickering koi and the t...
by BobBradshaw
17 Jul 2016, 20:00
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Longfellow
Replies: 4
Views: 2618

Re: Longfellow

Thanks, Michael. I appreciate your comments. And thanks for mentioning Beth Fennelly and Louise Gluck. I haven't read them in a long time, but I should definitely work them back into my reading list. There are so many good poets out there! We are very lucky.
by BobBradshaw
16 Jul 2016, 01:28
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: I Am a Planter.
Replies: 18
Views: 7899

Re: I Am a Planter.

Meena, this is my favorite poem of yours. It is gentle, and charming. However, it needs a good trim, and some past and present tense logic needs to be cleaned up. I suggest you stay in present tense. Your piece would have more impact if it was shorter. Below is a shorter version, for your considerat...
by BobBradshaw
15 Jul 2016, 22:09
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Longfellow
Replies: 4
Views: 2618

Longfellow

Longfellow Henry awoke to you racing towards him, Fanny, your summer dress a fury of flames. He would rather be mauled by wild dogs than face that night again, and blames himself for not saving you, his wounds minor: hands burned, his neck disfigured. To this day he hides his facial scars with a bea...
by BobBradshaw
15 Jul 2016, 01:00
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Dry Stone Walls of Wales
Replies: 2
Views: 2108

Re: The Mine

This poem has a potential much like your wonderful poem 'Trousered Women'. It just needs to be trimmed down For example, the first stanza can be cut down to something like the lines below...Sometimes more details dilute the impact. I wouldn't count words or syllables as you trim the lines. Don't wor...
by BobBradshaw
07 Jul 2016, 00:39
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Monsoon Moment
Replies: 8
Views: 4462

Re: Monsoon Moment

I miss Bernie! What a talent!
by BobBradshaw
07 Jul 2016, 00:36
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Dress Code
Replies: 1
Views: 1772

Re: Dress Code

The simple, conversational language is a joy. But I don't think the poem has found an ending yet that is as good as the rest of the poem. Keep working on it. The opening three stanzas are stellar. They set the tone and subject. 'We read Bob Dylan' is a great line.
by BobBradshaw
07 Jul 2016, 00:29
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: The Lullaby I never sang, My Child
Replies: 2
Views: 2081

Re: The Lullaby I never sang, My Child

I like this poem, its emotions, its honesty. It has many nice lines. The repetition of 'my child', though, is too much for me. It's distracting. Maybe you could consider reducing the 'my child' refrain to just two lines. I would suggest the first and last lines. Just something to think about. My onl...
by BobBradshaw
07 Jul 2016, 00:10
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Monsoon Moment
Replies: 8
Views: 4462

Re: Monsoon Moment

Thanks for explaining your goals, Frank. I actually adore the last stanza, although you may need to note 'hiraeth' somewhere outside the poem. Maybe you could remove these 3 lines: Are you there? Yes, I'm here. The cameo fades out like a John Ford film, and go with something like this: The monsoon t...
by BobBradshaw
06 Jul 2016, 21:42
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: Monsoon Moment
Replies: 8
Views: 4462

Re: Monsoon Moment

I like the details, and how you immerse us in a different setting, as in A warm wind washes the forecourt, condapana palms sway in Old Bombay, lithe dresses on a line. and this is a very sweet stanza: From across the buildings, the light of his room framed by the darkness, a young man sits, seemingl...
by BobBradshaw
06 Jul 2016, 21:34
Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
Topic: An Anachronism
Replies: 8
Views: 4228

Re: An Anachronism

Frank has helped you quite a bit. I like the poem. I have a few minor suggestions. I would remove the lines: notwithstanding an avarice insatiable and As a chosen pleasure, dissipated peace with a fervour. Replace 'feet' with 'footing' in 'She did not find her feet'... and remove 'Like not to be in ...

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