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Thanks, Judy.... your insight is right on....I have revised it

V5: Coming Back Just as trees stripped by a gale cannot hope to gather up their fallen leaves in their arms, to sleeve their limbs again in green, so too I face the obvious: you’re not coming back. Ill with grief, I have no appetite for either this food or for putting you "behind" me. I ache for you...

A pleasant slice of life

Of course. I am glad it’s helpful.

I love the ending: I, Marakuli, come when babysitters lose their patience. Ha! The last 2 lines are so endearing(and humorous) I'm not sure if you need the 2 lines preceding them(a sore sight is cliched anyway). Another line to toss is "how like the wind"...again it's a phrase used way too often to ...

These are terrific suggestions...I have reflected them in V2. Thx, Judy

V3: The Moon Walk It’s nearly another anniversary of the day Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin bounced across a powdery surface, Neil’s shadow as grainy as the ultrasound images of our son, 14 years later. But this was 1969 and I was on the verge of college; my sister had found Jesus, and Dad had been ...

Lovely! Post your poem at writer’s palaver....Michael has nominated it

BobBradshaw bobbybradshw@yahoo.com Poem is original, unpublished and not nominated in any other forum Beethoven Dying I held my old friend’s trembling hand as he spoke of better times. He hummed an unrecognizable tune, and spoke of a work that would be like no other. For weeks he had wrestled with i...

“Beethoven Dying” is as available. I will post later today. Thx, Michael

This is much better. The strength of the poem is in the last 7 lines. Cut “cruel” from “cruel joke”... both redundant and cliched. Your trimming has been productive. However, this stanza could do with more pruning, more compression. I would replace the greens and blues references with specific image...

Judy, this poem has been nominated for the IBPC. Please post in Writer's Palaver if you accept or not. If you accept, please post the version there of the poem you want sent. Thx

The ending is much better...I like how the last 2 stanzas bring this poem to its close

I nominate Judy's "When They Make a Movie of your Life", Frank's "A Sparrow Found" and Ken's "The Annunciation".

This is much better! I like how you have folded the mother piece into the bigger cloth here. "unwrap" should probably be "unwrapping"....Judy makes some good points to consider. The last stanza is too telling, and the poem loses its chance for a big impact. Look to redo that stanza, bringing an emot...

There’s lots of nice details here, but the present day section seems too long for maximum impact, and the 1958 section could benefit from a stronger emotional ending.... so why not combine the mother theme of the 2nd stanza into the ending of the first poem/section? Just something to think about.......

Good suggestions....

Thanks, Siva, for your comments...appreciated

A fabulous poem, Siva...imho your poem should have placed first...but it doesn't matter...the honor of being recognized for your work is what matters. Congrats again!

Judy, I have now removed "and that was it...". Another thanks owed....

Thanks, Judy...I have taken some of your ideas....

Nov 25 at 9:28 AM V2: Beethoven Dying I held my old friend’s trembling hand as he spoke of better times. He hummed an unrecognizable tune, and spoke of a work that would be like no other. For weeks he had wrestled with it, never writing any of it down. Gripping his pain-wrenched gut, Beethoven fell ...

There are many fine lines in this. My only suggestion would be to start with the 2nd stanza but start with "When he went away". fine lines: That this much beauty still existed that greens continued to hurt the eye and blues continued to break the heart lovely close: complaining bitterly about how br...

Don't be silly. Ken and I are involved in a 30/30 sprint at another forum. It requires a lot of our time. It happens twice a year, in April and November. We'll be back soon...keep writing

Thanks, Meenas, for your POV. I appreciate it.