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Thanks Bob, yes it is fun to play around with a work.
Ken, Bernie and you spoil me with good advice,
thanks, I have marked the changes in bold.
Changed the title too.

removed

Thanks Ken
It's a stopover Ken.
Very simple story

Ancient indeed
well worth telling.
The part where man fell asleep was inspired.
Well done.

the train conductor yawns, his mouth gold
as a Calcutta dentist.

A dusk of purple plum comes on.

How about:

The conductor yawns, a dusk
of purple plum falls to a close.

Mars spaceport could not better this when built. Mile after opulent mile. synthetics, plastic and stainless steel, not a bug in sight. A billboard overshadows the exit advertising Fuji San's delightful forests. 'See Aokigahara before you die.' A lacquered doll flashes a smile from black-cherry lips....

It's a pleasure Bernie to read your poems a life time of living and your love of people shines through not even a beggar on the roadside is too mean for you to notice, your use of images a masterclass, I hope we don't lose you to other forums. It is going to be one heck of a competition this month t...

Ooh horrible Bob
creepy and morbid
Just the thing to wake us up on a cold morning.
You and B. are on a roll this month
Siva too.
It is going to be one heck of a competition this month to choose the last three
so many good poems,
well done.

How about 'jaundiced for 'yellow' in L2 Bob?

Thanks

That revised 3rd stanza is a killer a really killer, quite brilliant, possibly your best lines since 'Your dwarf Tangelo bit the dust' and 'A Jew celebrated Passover from a number 73 bus.' I was just about to second Ken's nomination, but you do have several good poems and whatever is picked, chosen,...

Love the details how the lights rest on panels in a train, mud villages pass serenely of course they don't, maybe it is us but they seem to and that is true they flow like a river torrent past like our lives when we are dying. Strange you start with an 'and' and we are wondering what have we missed....

Bob, It may have been like that at the Swiss border but what I have seen in documentaries was utter brutality of the guards, beatings, maiming, shootings shouting, dogs snarling, biting, raping. Then they had to run a hundred yards those that couldn't were at risk of disease and so exterminated imme...

Bless you Bernie,

I will think on, but I am stuck at this moment.

Too hackneyed I suppose, harmonies . . .

' . . . out of the strong came forth sweetness.' (Judges. 14:14) The bus didn’t stop, the conductor waved retreating, he threw a half-brick, He arrived late to measure the owners scowl, the cavernous workshop caused a gut pang, the labourer was late, no fire. He hung his coat on a nail The diesel e...

I think this makes it clear, I would share your table, your paper and the shell of your private life; I would be a starched sailor dropping by rope from the rigging to your table. A man with eyes the color of seaweed and a red bandana fixed at the throat. [bandanna] This stanza could be so innocuous...

I loved it throughout Magnificent! The cliche in the last stanza is okay it tells of young love thats what silly young things do write in the library and seal with a kiss. So whats wrong that a cliche enters a poem, nothing, not in this poem. I'd be disappointed if you changed much. The only thing t...

PUBLISHED POEMS AND COMPETITION PLACINGS by Ieuan Ap Hywel In Love With a Woman in her Later Years Published by Autumn Sky Poetry Daily 17th January 2024 https://autumnskypoetrydaily.com/2024/01/17/in-love-with-a-woman-in-her-later-years-by-ieuan-ap-hywel/ Editor: Christine Klocek-Lim color Editor’...

Thanks Siva

You are writing very well lately
and I have always enjoyed yours and now Meena's poetry.

Best

Thanks Bernie
very kind of you.

Crocodile[s] would be single file or Indian file.
In British English it is considered a bit of a cliché
especially for poetry, but as you are all American.

Thanks Bob, I have been thinking exactly that, drop the last stanza,
you have just confirmed my intention.

best . . .

Thanks Bill

Was nominated twice

never went off though

It is a revision.

The Water Carrier went through last December, didn't win though.

Love it Completely different from your Van Goch series and although I've never been to a baseball game in this poem I was there listening to the hecklers smelling the hot dogs and onions, shouting for a bag of popcorn wathcing the pretty girls dance to warm up the crowd the thwak of bat on ball the ...

Jar is a glass container, like jam jar, but I like your suggestion. Thank you.

Bernie, Thanks ration is the word, will ponder on 'government's' I need to distiguish netween goverment or any other meaness in that ration it was considered the minimum to keep us healthy. Michael, I am honourd at the work you put into this critique, all good stuff. Yes I put it in last December. T...

Birds, dented and off course.
Men on porches, rough as [a] goat [or goats].
My face[,] stern as a warden
[guarding or herding] inmates.