Search found 131 matches
- 19 Oct 2019, 05:36
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: fugitive
- Replies: 9
- Views: 18457
fugitive
fugitive wrapped in an old sweater, sitting on the porch, she saw him drive by, stop; watched him watch her then roll down his window as if to speak she never moved he finally rolled up the window drove away slowly; feeling colder, she went inside careful to latch the door behind her when he drove b...
- 19 Oct 2019, 04:16
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Coming Clean
- Replies: 3
- Views: 8537
Re: Coming Clean
oh, I do the same thing. That's before the magic starts, but you gotta get it down, or it's gone forever. Sometimes I put the thing away, face down, and when it's time I take it out and start to scrub it. It's almost always a surprise. And that's half the fun.
- 19 Oct 2019, 03:37
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: You Can't Rid a Room of an Elephant
- Replies: 8
- Views: 17517
Re: You Can't Rid a Room of an Elephant
Agreed. Well presented. My only nit (and it's a suggestion, nothing more) is the first stanza. At the very least, not mention the 'addiction', let your reader discover it for themselves. Why is the elephant a "she"? (just curious) I'd be inclined to just keep the first line, lose the next three, and...
- 18 Oct 2019, 17:42
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Coming Clean
- Replies: 3
- Views: 8537
Re: Coming Clean
I like where this is heading, but it seems (at least to me) not there yet. The second line is distracting. Do we need to know your son's name? How about something less invasive, i.e., "I called my son." Maybe quotes around the second stanza. Quotes (or even just italics to show a different speaker) ...
- 18 Oct 2019, 17:22
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Letter
- Replies: 7
- Views: 14860
Re: The Letter
oh my. thank you. I really wasn't expecting that (but who am i to argue, right)
- 18 Oct 2019, 06:46
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Trees of Winter
- Replies: 10
- Views: 19427
Re: Trees of Winter
Instead of "holed up" which to me reads like something "holed up" in a burrow,
how about "bunched up" or "huddled together". Anything to imply that thing we
do when we're cold...
It's the word "holed" that threw me. Ah, Iove this language, lol
how about "bunched up" or "huddled together". Anything to imply that thing we
do when we're cold...
It's the word "holed" that threw me. Ah, Iove this language, lol
- 18 Oct 2019, 05:26
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Letter
- Replies: 7
- Views: 14860
The Letter
The Letter Got There Too Late I’m the half a loaf girl who settled for what she could get instead of waiting for what she wanted the girl you took home when nobody was home and your wife was out of town or the one you visited when you had a fight and she kicked you out The only movies I ever saw wer...
- 18 Oct 2019, 05:03
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Beethoven's Dark Moods
- Replies: 7
- Views: 14788
- 18 Oct 2019, 04:09
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Up on the Zambesi Copper Belt Escarpment
- Replies: 4
- Views: 11374
Re: Up on the Zambesi Copper Belt Escarpment
Cool. I think it needs to be clearer that this is a memory.
Make it the first two lines of the poem, in some way.
That clarifies the whole thing.
Make it the first two lines of the poem, in some way.
That clarifies the whole thing.
- 17 Oct 2019, 17:44
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Neighbor
- Replies: 10
- Views: 18380
Re: The Neighbor
Lol, thanks. They were our next neighbors, so it wasn't unusual to encounter him walking down our driveway, buck naked, shaved to a faretheewell, as morose a being as you could find. It's funny now, but it was a bit creepy at the time. And I felt sorry for him but no, I did not give naked men rides ...
- 17 Oct 2019, 07:01
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Wild Ponies
- Replies: 10
- Views: 17756
Re: Wild Ponies
i like this much better. "Muzzle" was a bit too weird for me, lol. oy, the images. Read this out loud, no fudging, and see if you notice rough spots. The eye can fib, but the voice, never. Fourth stanza is elegant, it's the heart of the poem. this: " listened between bites her recite the wrongs" see...
- 17 Oct 2019, 03:52
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Up on the Zambesi Copper Belt Escarpment
- Replies: 4
- Views: 11374
Re: Up on the Zambesi Copper Belt Escarpment
I like the entire second stanza, Frank. (all but "flower bower". Maybe just "flowers"?) In the first stanza the wording seems awkward: Would it read more smoothly if you used a single different word: "our infant sons sleep in their cots". "asleep" seems to require "are" with it, "sleep" can stand in...
- 17 Oct 2019, 02:37
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Neighbor
- Replies: 10
- Views: 18380
Re: The Neighbor
This, then: Survivor She says he never beats her never raises a hand in anger although he does drag her across the floor by the hair when he gets really pissed. Child-like, rubs the top of her head, "Boy does that HURT when he does it!" She giggles, then looks serious. Says he's the best thing that ...
- 17 Oct 2019, 02:28
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Neighbor
- Replies: 10
- Views: 18380
Re: The Neighbor
Thanks, Frank. Way way back in the late 90s, when there were a number of poetry crit boards, this one and Gazebo were the premiere places to post. I was a worker bee here for about a year, and truly burnt out as to crits. It was a fast moving board in those days, I do recall that. I don't really lik...
- 16 Oct 2019, 16:03
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Neighbor
- Replies: 10
- Views: 18380
Re: The Neighbor
thank you both. Bob, you're dead right about the psych ward, and for me, that's enough to show that she's off balance but still functional. She turns herself in. That's pretty basic. =) I'll see what I can do about giving the cats some life. (Thinking about fleshing her out). You're right, she needs...
- 16 Oct 2019, 04:46
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The Neighbor
- Replies: 10
- Views: 18380
The Neighbor
Survivor She says he never beats her never raises a hand in anger although he does drag her across the floor by the hair when he gets really pissed. Child-like, rubs the top of her head, "Boy does that HURT when he does it!" She giggles, then looks serious. Says he's the best thing that ever happene...
- 16 Oct 2019, 04:34
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Beethoven's Dark Moods
- Replies: 7
- Views: 14788
Re: Beethoven's Dark Moods
Like this, Bob; I like the imagery, the way you lead it down the page to those wonderful last two lines. However. (and you just knew there was going to be a however) The question in the second line; does it need to be a question? you could make the assumption that Beehtoven's famous deafness is well...
- 15 Oct 2019, 18:51
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Known As Chettys
- Replies: 9
- Views: 18323
Re: Known As Chettys
Meenas, I think there are some extraneous bits that could be removed, and possibly tighten up the lines here and there: one way to do that is to start with the bare bones: cut out all but the meat, making it as spare as possible, and then add only what's needed for clarity . Sometimes we want to put...
- 15 Oct 2019, 18:25
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
- Replies: 13
- Views: 24284
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
(Fainting dead away in relief) The general rule of thumb, as always: take what you like, discard the rest. And sometimes your ideas and my ideas turn into something better than either. Red and blue make purple. =) Yes, let it sit for a day or two; it's still your words, just rearranged a tad. And af...
- 15 Oct 2019, 06:54
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me — revised
- Replies: 13
- Views: 24284
Re: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me
Okay, here goes: I love the idea of proposing to Emily. But I agree, I think you have too much horse talk in there. Maybe collapse it a bit. Let the reader make the connections without spelling it all out. I'd start here: Emily Dickinson, Marry Me Today I saw wild mares in the hills moving in unison...
- 15 Oct 2019, 06:37
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Ratio of Critiques to Poems Posted
- Replies: 15
- Views: 85484
Re: Ratio of Critiques to Poems Posted
(Smiles.)Me too. I like to establish a dialog with another poet, why he said this, or why he cut that short--sometimes just discussing what and how helps stir things up in the brain, a bit.
- 14 Oct 2019, 05:36
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Ratio of Critiques to Poems Posted
- Replies: 15
- Views: 85484
Re: Ratio of Critiques to Poems Posted
Perhaps the poets themselves could offer an honest clue as to what they expect from those who crit them... i.e., if someone just wants to see their name and poem, and maybe a mild dusting "Nice work, could use some tweaking..." or something a bit more sharp, "This reads well, but some of the lines a...
- 03 Oct 2019, 03:35
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Trees of Winter
- Replies: 10
- Views: 19427
Re: Trees of Winter
Billy, I like the images in this, but the first line reads awkwardly to me--"A mob or a single tree" seems a confusing way to put it, and Im not sure what you're saying, there. "or' seems the wrong word-- Just a suggestion, if you're talking about several trees, something like "A mob of single trees...
- 03 Oct 2019, 00:14
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Ratio of Critiques to Poems Posted
- Replies: 15
- Views: 85484
Re: Ratio of Critiques to Poems Posted
I don't necessarily believe in platitudes at all, but some people are often more comforted by them than they are by the knife-and-fork approach to critiques. It can be difficult to sort out who wants what, at least at an early read. And when you see "nice poem! Good work!" in post after post you won...
- 11 Oct 2013, 15:38
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: He Races Up The Stairs
- Replies: 10
- Views: 21559
Re: He Races Up The Stairs (overthinking once again)
billy, i like this too, although some of the word choices make me stumble--someone once said (and accurately so) if a word jumps out at you in a poem, it distracts from the flow; in this case I'm uncomfortable with the word "scoots' -- which in its own way is correct, "Scoot over here and let me see...