Ken & Bob,
I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.
Eira
Search found 382 matches
- 29 Jan 2019, 02:36
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
- 29 Jan 2019, 02:36
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 2)
Ken & Bob,
I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.
Eira
I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.
Eira
- 25 Jan 2019, 02:24
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Know My Twin
- Replies: 4
- Views: 9671
Re: Know My Twin
oh wow! I love this Meena! I agree with Bob to make this as concise as possible, leave only what's necessary. Denial is not new to me. We are [but] inseparable twins, delete 'but' Not an exaggeration, I vouchsafe. Could never find the reason [however hard I try.] remove in brackets - not needed thes...
- 25 Jan 2019, 02:13
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)
I would try to expand on Mam... how the kitchen reminds you of her absence...which should add more emotion to the poem Good idea Bob - what do you think is best a complete stanza or woven into what's there. I'm a bit brain-dead at the moment :roll: but will certainly give this some thought later. E...
- 25 Jan 2019, 02:09
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
- 23 Jan 2019, 23:31
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Mozart’s Sister, Heartbroken - revised
- Replies: 7
- Views: 12624
Re: Mozart’s Sister, Heartbroken - revised
Oh yes! My favourite stanza at the end. Well its a thumbs up from me! Hope others agree.
Eira
Eira
- 23 Jan 2019, 23:18
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1)
This is much better. I like it. My one suggestion....the stanza about the pig feels like an appendage instead of being part of the natural flow of things. It doesn't bear the weight of a separate stanza well. Can you work it in differently....maybe something along these lines, but better? I might t...
- 23 Jan 2019, 17:44
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
Re: Eternal Peacock
Love the cutting board analogy. It may solve a problem to eliminate the 2 lines Bob suggested and the one about pneumonia. Show us don't tell us. Few things are as personal as cutting boards. I have my mother"s fr9m 40 years ago. You are on to something strong here. Thanks Ken, I have tried to foll...
- 23 Jan 2019, 17:41
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
Re: Eternal Peacock
There are some exquisite lines, such as waiting for the timer to ping. But some lines must go, especially these I draw back time's curtain to peer into her cluttered kitchen and the poem demands a strong ending... throw out the last 2 lines. This piece has very strong potential. Tighten it up and f...
- 23 Jan 2019, 17:31
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Mozart’s Sister, Heartbroken - revised
- Replies: 7
- Views: 12624
Re: Mozart’s Sister, Heartbroken
This poem takes my breath away - it's beautiful! the title change has made it clearer. Love these lines
Weren't Mama and Papa always
in each other's arms,
like flowering trees
grown so close to each other
their limbs embraced?
Eira
Weren't Mama and Papa always
in each other's arms,
like flowering trees
grown so close to each other
their limbs embraced?
Eira
- 23 Jan 2019, 17:28
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Traveling With You Through Space
- Replies: 7
- Views: 12498
Re: Traveling With You Through Space
Great revision, Bob. Removing those kisses has made a difference. Great poem.
Eira
Eira
- 23 Jan 2019, 17:25
- Forum: Writer's Block Palaver
- Topic: Poems that placed in the November IBPC 2018 (Congrats Ken)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 23823
Re: Poems that placed in the November IBPC 2018 (Congrats Ken)
Congratulations Ken, a worthy winner!
Eira
Eira
- 19 Jan 2019, 01:06
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
- Replies: 35
- Views: 53579
Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)
Revision 5 (revised middle stanza) Calon Lan, a Welsh hymn, lyrics by Daniel James in 1890’s, music by John Hughes Eternal Peacock you slump against my ageing kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes lacklustre and scarred, feet swollen from oversoaking. I await the timer's ping when your retirement begins. In ...
- 19 Jan 2019, 01:03
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Survival
- Replies: 5
- Views: 10775
Re: Survival
Thanks Siva. I do think that a snake eating his prey is dramatic but agree that my language is ott. This needs a lot of thought if I revise.
Eira
- 17 Jan 2019, 23:04
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Pongal
- Replies: 8
- Views: 16497
Re: Pongal
Bob is right, Meena - you are on a roll. I have seen such an improvement in you writing recently. Your descriptive details are a pleasure to read.
Eira
Eira
- 17 Jan 2019, 22:59
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The River Merchant
- Replies: 21
- Views: 31236
Re: The River Merchant
I like the new title, Bob, Like the conciseness. I also like the revision - these lines
my dear wife visiting a sick friend
in Ku-to-yen,
the mention of where her sick friend lives seems to add depth to this stanza, somehow.
Eira
my dear wife visiting a sick friend
in Ku-to-yen,
the mention of where her sick friend lives seems to add depth to this stanza, somehow.
Eira
- 17 Jan 2019, 22:53
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Survival
- Replies: 5
- Views: 10775
Re: Survival
I would take out the first stanza...it isn't necessary, and the language doesn't feel natural. Same awkardness is in 'I feel a scurry close" and other places. Don't sacrifice common speech for the mere sake of rhyme. "Disquiet"? "I sense a passing beast"...."I sense" isn't needed. Hone the language...
- 16 Jan 2019, 03:47
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Survival
- Replies: 5
- Views: 10775
Survival
Survival I wait ensconced inside my sphagnum hide as unsuspecting creatures forage near. My escalating hunger won't subside while odours saturate the atmosphere. Vibrations stir the undergrowth, I feel a scurry close but I'm concealed among the moss and lie stock-still. I hear a squeal, obtain a sce...
- 16 Jan 2019, 03:34
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Days Unfurl
- Replies: 3
- Views: 7610
Re: Days Unfurl
Hi Meena,
I've read this a few times now and I see stanza one as an introduction to the poem, but I think you could delete it and go straight in with stanza 2.
Just a thought
Eira
I've read this a few times now and I see stanza one as an introduction to the poem, but I think you could delete it and go straight in with stanza 2.
Just a thought
Eira
- 16 Jan 2019, 03:18
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Not a Poem About Crows revised
- Replies: 3
- Views: 8201
Re: Not a Poem About Crows
We have a lot of crows that come into our garden. They are very intelligent creatures. I've heard about them bringing gifts (small stones etc) to people who feed them, like at the beginning of your poem. Love the poem Ken, but I would question why you have 2 very long lines that stand out from the r...
- 16 Jan 2019, 03:09
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)
- Replies: 30
- Views: 49102
Re: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)
Thanks Bob, I'll do that now.BobBradshaw wrote: ↑15 Jan 2019, 00:03just one suggestion...add a comma at the end of the first line
Eira
- 08 Jan 2019, 03:59
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)
- Replies: 30
- Views: 49102
Re: Running on the Sprectrum (revision 2)
It must be the Welsh in me Frank
I hadn't noticed I'd written it that way - don't think anyone else did either, except you.
Eira
- 08 Jan 2019, 03:51
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)
- Replies: 30
- Views: 49102
Re: Running on the Sprectrum (revision 2)
The first 3 stanzas are choppy, and should be your focus in your next revision. However, I love the rest of your poem! Gorgeous writing from S4 on...I like the rhythm you have here, and the humor really shines. Thanks Bob. you have confirmed what I thought - the beginning is a bit 'flat'. So glad y...
- 07 Jan 2019, 02:25
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)
- Replies: 30
- Views: 49102
Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)
A revision at last, Bob! Xmas just took over for a while. Best wishes for 2019.
Eira
- 07 Jan 2019, 02:14
- Forum: Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang
- Topic: The River Merchant
- Replies: 21
- Views: 31236
Re: A Chinese Poet Awaits his Wife's Return
I love the details in this, Bob and there are many lines to like I love the river grumbling ( but perhaps going about its business is a bit cliché? I don't know, I can't keep up with everything that's cliché these days) :roll: Water swirls around one boulder, moves on to the next one. Bats stream fr...